Dog Quotations

11 Jul

There is no faith which has never yet been broken, except that of a truly faithful dog. (Konrad Z. Lorenz)

 

 

Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. (Mark Twain)

 

 

Dogs are better for human beings than human beings are for dogs. (Notsuredomus)

 

 

If there are no dogs in heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.

 

 

I always like a dog so long as he isn’t spelled backward. (G.K. Chesterton)

 

 

Many years ago when an adored dog died, a great friend, a bishop, said to me, “You must always remember that, as far as the Bible is concerned, God only threw the humans out of Paradise.” Anonymous

 

 

There is an Indian legend which says when a human dies there is a bridge they must cross to enter into heaven. At the head of that bridge waits every animal that human encountered during their lifetime. The animals, based upon what they know of this person, decide which humans may cross the bridge…. and which are turned away…”

 

 

At the dog-show held at our local hospital fete, there were many handsome dogs with equally handsome owners. But my attention was drawn to a small mongrel and his owner, a boy of about eleven. For nearly an hour, the boy had been gently grooming and hugging his pet in turn. When his name was called the boy tenderly took the dog’s head into his cupped hands and looked at him with all the love a small boy could show. “Now you mustn’t be upset if you don’t win a prize,” he said, “you see, they don’t know you as well as I do.” (source unknown)

 

 

Dogs are our link to paradise. They don’t know evil or jealousy or discontent. To sit with a dog on a hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing was not boring–it was peace. (Milan Kundera)

 

 

When the Man waked up he said, ‘What is Wild Dog doing here?’ And the Woman said, ‘His name is not Wild Dog any more, but the First Friend, because he will be our friend for always and always and always.’ (Rudyard Kipling)

 

 

Dogs have more love than integrity. They’ve been true to us, yes, but they haven’t been true to themselves. – Clarence Day

 

 

The dog was created especially for children. He is the god of frolic. – Henry Beecher Ward

 

 

A Dog is the only thing on this earth that loves you more than he loves himself. Josh Billings

 

 

God sat down for a moment when the dog was finished in order to watch it… and to know it was good, that nothing was lacking that it could not have been made better. – Rainer Marie Rilke

 

 

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. (Andrew A. Rooney)

 

 

It’s not the size of the dog in the fight. It’s the size of the fight in the dog.

 

 

Near this spot are deposited the remains of one who possessed Beauty without Vanity, Strength without Insolence, Courage without Ferocity, and all the Virtues of Man without his Vices. This praise, which would be unmeaning Flattery, if inscribed over human ashes, is but a Just Tribute to the Memory of BOATSWAIN, a Dog. (Hobhouse – Epitaph, on Lord Byron’s dog, Boatswain, at Newstead Abbey)

 

 

So I laugh when I hear them make it plain That dogs and men never meet again. For all their talk who’d listen to them, With the soul in the shining eyes of him? Would God be wasting a dog like Tim? (W M Letts, Songs of Leinster) 

 

 

The more I see of the representatives of the people the more I admire my dogs. (Alphonse de Lamartine)

 

 

When a man’s best friend is his dog, the dog has a problem. (Edward Abbey)

 

 

The reason dogs have so many friends is because they wag their tails instead of their tongues. (Unknown)

 

 

The greatest pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him, and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself, too. (Samuel Butler).

 

 

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. (Roger Caras)

 

 

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. That is the difference between dog and man 

 

 

Money will buy a pretty good dog but it won’t buy the wag of his tail. (Josh Billings)

 

 

Animals are such agreeable friends–they ask no questions, they pass no criticisms. (George Eliot)

 

 

Our dogs will love and admire the meanest of us and feed our colossal vanity with their uncritical homage. (Agnes Repplier)

 

 

I am not a cat man, but a dog man, and all felines can tell this at a glance – a sharp, vindictive glance. (James Thurber)

 

 

If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face perhaps you should go home and examine your conscience. (Woodrow Wilson)

 

 

If dogs could talk, perhaps we’d find it just as hard to get along with them as we do people. (Karel Caprek)

 

 

To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs. (Aldous Huxley)

 

 

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. (Ben Williams)

 

 

From the dog’s point of view, his master is an elongated and abnormally cunning dog. (Mabel Louise Robinson)

 

 

Dogs are miracles with paws. (Attributed to Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy)

 

 

Dogs’ lives are too short. Their only fault, really. (Agnes Sligh Turnbull)

 

 

My little dog – a heartbeat at my feet. (Edith Wharton)

 

 

We long for an affection altogether ignorant of our faults. Heaven has accorded this to us in the uncritical canine attachment. (George Eliot)

 

 

I think dogs are the most amazing creatures; they give unconditional love. For me they are the role model for being alive. (Gilda Radner)

 

 

I think we are drawn to dogs because they are the uninhibited creatures we might be if we weren’t certain we knew better. They fight for honor at the first challenge, make love with no moral restraint, and they do not for all their marvelous instincts appear to know about death. Being such wonderfully uncomplicated beings, they need us to do their worryin. (George Bird Evans, Troubles with Bird Dogs)

 

 

One reason a dog can be such a comfort when you’re feeling blue is that he doesn’t try to find out why. (Author Unknown)

 

 

Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job. (Franklin P. Jones)

 

 

When a dog barks at the moon, then it is religion; but when he barks at strangers, it is patriotism! (David Starr Jordan)

 

 

Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend. (Corey Ford)

 

 

If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them. (Phil Pastoret)

 

 

The dog is a yes-animal, very popular with people who can’t afford to keep a yes-man. (Robertson Davies)

 

 

Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails. (Max Eastman, Enjoyment of Laughter)

 

 

My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am. (Author Unknown)

 

 

We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It’s the best deal man has ever made (M. Facklam)

 

 

Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. (Author Unknown)

 

 

Dogs need to sniff the ground; it’s how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard. (Sigmund Freud)

 

 

I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl.

 

 

Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. (Author Unknown)

 

 

If your dog is fat, you aren’t getting enough exercise. (Author Unknown)

 

 

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. (Robert Benchley)

 

 

Wolves, like the Indian, choose their mates wisely and do not part till death;  making the two spiritually entwined. (Author Unknown)

 

 

You can steal my car, rob my home and screw my wife but nobody touches my dog. (Notsuredomus)

 

 

Dogs, the foremost snobs in creation, are quick to notice the difference between a well-clad and a disreputable stranger. (Albert Payson Terhune)

 

 

You think dogs will not be in heaven? I tell you, they will be there long before any of us. (Robert Louis Stevenson)

 

 

To sit with a dog on a hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing was not boring – it was peace. (Milan Kundera)

 

 

A dog can express more with his tail in seconds than his owner can express with his tongue in hours. (Author Unknown)

 

 

I love a dog. He does nothing for political reasons. (Will Rogers)

 

 

Children are for people who can’t have dogs. (Author Unknown)

 

 

When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten. (Robert M. Pirsig, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance)

 

 

If you can look at a dog and not feel vicarious excitement and affection, you must be a cat. (Author Unknown)

 

 

The more one gets to know of men, the more one values dogs. (Alphonse Toussenel)

 

 

When a dog wants to hang out the “Do Not Disturb” sign, as all of us do now and then, he is regarded as a traitor to his species. (Ramona C. Albert)

 

 

Both humans and dogs love to play well into adulthood, and individuals from both species occasionally display evidence of having a conscience. (Jon Winokur)

 

 

The pug is living proof that God has a sense of humor. (Margo Kaufman)

 

 

Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other. (Robert Benchley)

 

 

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. (Rita Rudner)

 

 

Fox-terriers are born with about four times as much original sin in them as other dogs. (Jerome K. Jerome, Three Men in a Boat)

 

 

Labradors [are] lousy watchdogs. They usually bark when there is a stranger about, but it is an expression of unmitigated joy at the chance to meet somebody new, not a warning. (Norman Strung)

 

 

Newfoundland dogs are good to save children from drowning, but you must have a pond of water handy and a child, or else there will be no profit in boarding a Newfoundland. (Josh Billings)

 

 

Bulldogs are adorable, with faces like toads that have been sat on. (Colette)

 

 

The nose of the bulldog has been slanted backwards so that he can breathe without letting go. (Winston Churchill)

 

 

I like a bit of mongrel myself, whether it’s a man or a dog; they’re the best for everyday. (George Bernard Shaw)

 

 

A dog is not “almost human” and I know of no greater insult to the canine race than to describe it as such. (John Holmes)

 

 

If you get to thinking you’re a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else’s dog around. (Will Rogers)

 

 

They never talk about themselves but listen to you while you talk about yourself, and keep up an appearance of being interested in the conversation. (Jerome K. Jerome)

 

 

The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven, not man’s. (Mark Twain, letter to W.D. Howells, 2 April 1899)

 

 

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog. (Ambrose Bierce)

 

 

A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk. (O.A. Battista)

 

 

In order to really enjoy a dog, one doesn’t merely try to train him to be semi human. The point of it is to open oneself to the possibility of becoming partly a dog. (Edward Hoagland)

 

 

The greatest love is a mother’s; then a dog’s; then a sweetheart’s. (Polish Proverb)

 

 

A man may smile and bid you hail Yet wish you to the devil But when a good dog wags his tail, You know he’s on the level. (Author Unknown)

 

 

Dogs have given us their absolute all. We are the center of their universe. We are the focus of their love and faith and trust. They serve us in return for scraps. It is without a doubt the best deal man has ever made. (Roger Caras)

 

 

No philosophers so thoroughly comprehend us as dogs and horses. (Herman Melville, Redburn. His First Voyage, 1849)

 

 

Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. (Franklin P. Jones)

 

 

Any member introducing a dog into the Society’s premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat. – (Oxford Union Society, London, Rule 46)

 

 

In the world which we know, among the different and primitive geniuses that preside over the evolution of the several species, there exists not one, excepting that of the dog, that ever gave a thought to the presence of man. (Maurice Maeterlinck)

 

 

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. (Dave Barry)

 

 

Whoever said you can’t buy happiness forgot little puppies. (Gene Hill)

 

 

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. (Robert Benchley)

 

 

You ask of my companions. Hills, sir, and the sundown, and a dog as large as myself that my father bought me. They are better than human beings, because they know but do not tell. (Emily Dickinson)

 

 

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater. . . suggest that he wear a tail. – Fran Lebowitz

 

 

You can say any fool thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, `My God, you’re RIGHT! I NEVER would’ve thought of that! – Dave Barry

 

 

He is my other eyes that can see above the clouds; my other ears that hear above the winds. He is the part of me that can reach out into the sea. He has told me a thousand times over that I am his reason for being; by the way he rests against my leg; by the way he thumps his tail at my smallest smile; by the way he shows his hurt when I leave without taking him. (I think it makes him sick with worry when he is not along to care for me.) When I am wrong, he is delighted to forgive. When I am angry, he clowns to make me smile. When I am happy, he is joy unbounded. When I am a fool, he ignores it. When I succeed, he brags. Without him, I am only another man. With him, I am all-powerful. He is loyalty itself. He has taught me the meaning of devotion. With him, I know a secret comfort and a private peace. He has brought me understanding where before I was ignorant. His head on my knee can heal my human hurts. His presence by my side is protection against my fears of dark and unknown things. He has promised to wat for me… whenever… wherever – in case I need him. And I expect I will – as I always have. He is just my dog. – Gene Hill

 

 

Breed not a savage dog, nor permit a loose stairway. – Talmud

 

 

In my day, we didn’t have dogs or cats. All I had was Silver Beauty, my beloved paper clip. – Jennifer Hart, Arlington

 

 

Man is an animal that makes bargains; no other animal does this – one dog does not change a bone with another. – Adam Smith

 

 

If your dog doesn’t like someone you probably shouldn’t either. – Unknown

 

 

Old dogs, like old shoes, are comfortable. They might be a bit out of shape and a little worn around the edges, but they fit well. – Bonnie Wilcox ‘Old Dogs, Old Friends’

 

 

In dog years I’m dead. – Unknown

 

 

In order to really enjoy a dog, one doesn’t merely try to train him to be semihuman. The point of it is to open oneself to the possibility of becoming partly a dog. – Edward Hoagland

 

 

I once decided not to date a guy because he wasn’t excited to meet my dog. I mean, this was like not wanting to meet my mother. – Bonnie Schacter, Founder of the Single Pet Owner’s Society Singles Group

 

 

A cat sees us as the dogs…A cat sees himself as the human. – Unknown

 

 

Dogs are our link to paradise. They don’t know evil or jealousy or discontent. To sit with a dog on a hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing was not boring–it was peace. – Milan Kundera

 

 

I would rather see the portrait of a dog that I know, than all the allegorical paintings they can show me in the world. – Samuel Johnson

 

 

When you feel dog tired at night, it may be because you’ve growled all day long. – Unknown

 

 

A really companionable and indispensable dog is an accident of nature. You can’t get it by breeding for it, and you can’t buy it with money. It just happens along. – E B White, The Care and Training of a Dog

 

 

Bulldogs are adorable, with faces like toads that have been sat on. – Colette

 

 

Even the tiniest Poodle or Chihuahua is still a wolf at heart. – Dorothy Hinshaw Patent, Dogs: The Wolf Within

 

 

They [dogs] never talk about themselves but listen to you while you talk about yourself, and keep up an appearance of being interested in the conversation. – Jerome K. Jerome

 

 

When a dog wags her tail and barks at the same time, how do you know which end to believe? – Anonymous

 

 

Newfoundland dogs are good to save children from drowning, but you must have a pond of water handy and a child, or else there will be no profit in boarding a Newfoundland. – Josh Billings

 

 

Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane. – Smiley Blanton

 

 

I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts. – John Steinbeck

 

 

What kind of life a dog . . . acquires. I have sometimes tried to imagine by kneeling or lying full length on the ground and looking up. The world then becomes strangely incomplete; one sees little but legs. – E V Lucas

 

 

You may have a dog that won’t sit up, roll over or even cook breakfast, not because she’s too stupid to learn how but because she’s too smart to bother. – Rick Horowitz, Chicago Tribune

 

 

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives. – Rita Rudner

 

 

To err is human, to forgive, canine. – Unknown

 

 

Dogs are getting bigger, according to a leading dog manufacturer. – Leo Rosten

 

 

If a picture wasn’t going very well I’d put a puppy dog in it, always a mongrel, you know, never one of the full bred puppies. And then I’d put a bandage on its foot… I liked it when I did it, but now I’m sick of it. – Norman Rockwell

 

 

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you’re coming home his face might burn up. – “DEEP THOUGHTS” by Jack Handy

 

 

I took my dog for a walk… all the way from New York to Florida… I said to him “There now you’re done. – Steven Wright

 

 

By what right has the dog come to be regarded as a “noble” animal? The more brutal and cruel and unjust you are to him the more your fawning and adoring slave he becomes; whereas, if you shamefully misuse a cat once she will always maintain a dignified reserve toward you afterward- you will never get her full confidence again. – Mark Twain

 

 

Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs. – Martha Scott

 

 

The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven, not man’s. – Mark Twain, Letter to W D Howells, 4/2/1899

 

 

Every dog must have his day. – Jonathan Swift

 

 

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He’s gone now. – Steven Wright

 

 

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. – “DEEP THOUGHTS” by Jack Handy

 

 

Recipe; a series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don’t own, to make a dish the dog won’t eat. – Unknown

 

 

Any member introducing a dog into the Society’s premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat. – Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London

 

 

You gonna bark all day little doggy, or are you gonna bite? – Mr. Blonde “Reservoir Dogs”

 

 

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp-post how it feels about dogs. – Christopher Hampton

 

 

When a dog runs at you, whistle for him. – Henry David Thoreau

 

 

Flatterers look like friends, as wolves like dogs. – George Chapman

 

 

Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails. What puts man in a higher state of evolution is that he has got his laugh on the right end. – Max Eastman

 

 

I think dogs are the most amazing creatures; they give unconditional love. For me they are the role model for being alive. – Gilda Radner

 

 

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That’s almost $7.00 in dog money. – Joe Weinstein

 

 

Yesterday I was a dog. Today I’m a dog. Tomorrow I’ll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There’s so little hope for advancement. – Snoopy

 

 

Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? – Homer from the Simpsons

 

 

How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn’t make it a leg. – Abraham Lincoln

 

 

Elizabeth’s back at the red cross, and I’m walking the dog. – Bob Dole, on the Today Show, describing life after the elections, 1997

 

 

It freshens your breath and helps prevent tartar. – Mel Gibson, while eating a dog biscuit at Harvard, 1996

 

 

Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the hydrant. – Unknown

 

 

Barking dogs don’t bite people they don’t know. – Unknown

 

 

A traveler must have the back of an ass to bear all, a tongue like the tail of a dog to flatter all, the mouth of a hog to eat what is set before him, the ear of a merchant to hear all and say nothing. – Thomas Nashe

 

 

Like dogs in a wheel, birds in a cage, or squirrels in a chain, ambitious men still climb and climb, with great labor, and incessant anxiety, but never reach the top. – Robert Burton

 

 

How’s it going Mr. Peterson?” – Woody “It’s a dog eat dog world, Woody, and I’m wearing milk bone underwear.” – Norm from Cheers

 

 

Asthma doesn’t seem to bother me any more unless I’m around cigars or dogs. The thing that would bother me most would be a dog smoking a cigar. – Steve Allen

 

 

The biggest dog has been a pup. – Joaquin Miller, US poet

 

 

There are only two rules. One is E. M. Forster’s guide to Alexandria; the best way to know Alexandria is to wander aimlessly. The second is from the Psalms; grin like a dog and run about through the city. – Jan Morris

 

 

[My dog] can bark like a congressman, fetch like an aide, beg like a press secretary and play dead like a receptionist when the phone rings. – Gerald B H Solomon, US Congressman, Entry in contest to identify Capitol Hill’s Great American Dog, NY Times 9 Aug 86

 

 

A professor must have a theory as a dog must have fleas. – H L Mencken, Quoted by Geoffrey H Hartman Easy Pieces Columbia University 85

 

 

This isn’t like naming your dog Spot. – Richard Melville, Secretary, International Commission on Zoological Nomenclature, On scientific Latin names for plants and animals, Wall Street Journal 13 Jul 84

 

 

First you learn a new language, profanity; and second you learn not to discipline your dogs when you’re mad, and that’s most of the time when you’re training dogs. – Lou Schultz, trainer of Alaskan Huskies

 

 

He’s fair. He treats us all the same-like dogs. – Henry Jordan, Green Bay Packers right tackle On Vince Lombardi, recalled on Lombardi’s death 3 Sep 70

 

 

Watching baseball under the lights is like observing dogs indoors, at a pedigree show. In both instances, the environment is too controlled to suit the species. – Melvin Maddocks, “Baseball-The Difference between Night and Day” Christian Science Monitor 3 Apr 85

 

 

[London] is sentimental and tolerant. The attitude to foreigners is like the attitude to dogs: Dogs are neither human nor British, but so long as you keep them under control, give them their exercise, feed them, pat them, you will find their wild emotions are amusing, and their characters interesting. – V S Pritchett, London Perceived Harcourt, Brace & World 62

 

 

No matter how little money and how few possessions you own, having a dog makes you rich. – Louis Sabin

 

 

Dogs have given us their absolute all. We are the center of ther universe. We are the focus of their love and faith and trust. They serve us in return for scraps. It is without a doubt the best deal man has ever made. – Roger Caras

 

 

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does. – Christopher Morley

 

 

When a dog bites a man that is not news, but when a man bites a dog that is news. – Charles Anderson Dana, ‘What is News?’, The New York Sun 1882

 

 

I care not for a man’s religion whose dog and cat are not the better for it. – Abraham Lincoln

 

 

My dog is half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip! – Craig Shoemaker

 

 

Histories are more full of examples of the fidelity of dogs than of friends. – Alexander Pope

 

 

If you don’t mind throwing tennis balls for eternity, I do have an opening in doggie heaven. – Frank and Ernest comic strip, an angel at St. Peter’s gate, to a man seeking admittance

 

 

J’embrasse mon chien sur la bouche! (I kiss my dog on the mouth.) – Unknown

 

 

Every dog must have his day. – Jonathan Swift

 

 

They say a reasonable amount ‘o fleas is good fer a dog keeps him from broodin’ over bein’ a dog, mebbe. – Edward Westcott

 

 

DOG, n. A subsidiary Deity designed to catch the overflow and surplus of the world’s worship . . . . [H]is master works for the means wherewith to purchase the idle wag of the Solomonic tail, seasoned with a look of tolerant recognition. – Ambrose Bierce The Devil’s Dictionary, 1911.

 

 

There are times when even the best manager is like the little boy with the big dog. waiting to see where the dog wants to go so he can take him there. – Lee Iacocca, US auto business executive

 

 

You learn in this business: If you want a friend, get a dog. – Carl Icahn, US auto business executive

 

 

A barking dog is often more useful than a sleeping lion. – Washington Irving

 

 

I like dogs better [than people]. They give you unconditional love. They either lick your face or bite you, but you always know where they’re coming from. With people, you never know which ones will bite. The difference between dogs and men is that you know where dogs sleep at night. – Greg Louganis

 

 

My dog is usually pleased with what I do, because she is not infected with the concept of what I “should” be doing. – Lonzo Idolswine

 

 

I used to look at my dog Smokey and think, ‘If you were a little smarter you could tell me what you were thinking,’ and he’d look at me like he was saying, ‘If you were a little smarter, I wouldn’t have to. – Fred Jung Claus

 

 

If it were a dog, it would have bitten you already.” Actual Twents: “At e ne hond was, dan e oew allange ebettene. – Meaning:Said to someone who is looking for something which is right under his nose. Source: Twents Woordenbook. Twents in Woord en Gebruik.

 

 

The old dog barks backward without getting up I can remember when he was a pup. – Robert Frost

 

 

When old dogs bark, it’s time to watch out. – Unknown

 

 

Life is like a dog sled team. If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes. – Lewis Grizzard

 

 

You think dogs will not be in heaven? I tell you, they will be there long before any of us. – Robert Louis Stevenson

 

 

Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job. – Franklin P Jones

 

 

The disposition of noble dogs is to be gentle with people they know and the opposite with those they don’t know…How, then, can the dog be anything other than a lover of learning since it defines what’s its own and what’s alien. – Plato

 

 

Politics are not my concern… they impressed me as a dog’s life without a dog’s decencies. – Rudyard Kipling

 

 

If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog. – George Bernard Shaw

 

 

No man can be condemned for owning a dog. As long as he has a dog, he has a friend; and the poorer he gets, the better friend he has. – Will Rogers

 

 

America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags it’s tail it knocks over a chair. – Arnold Toynbee

 

 

The old saw about old dogs and new tricks only applies to certain people.” – Daniel Pinkwater ‘Train Your Dog, Dimmit!’

 

 

A Pekinese is not a pet dog; he is an undersized lion. – A Milne

 

 

There’s not much you can do with a terrier, ma’am. – Los Angeles dog trainer

 

 

A dog, I will maintain, is a very tolerable judge of beauty, as appears from the fact that any liberally educated dog does, in a general way, prefer a woman to a man. – Frances Thompson New York Times Magazine May 14, 1967

 

 

In a dog-eat-dog world, it is the dogmatic domain of dog lovers to offer dogdom a dog’s chance to rise above the dog days for a doggone good time. – AKC Gazette August 1991

 

 

Dogs, the foremost snobs in creation, are quick to notice the difference between a well-clad and a disreputable stranger. – Albert Payson Terhune ‘The Coming of Lad’

 

 

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun! – Groucho Marx

 

 

In the world which we know, among the different and primitive geniuses that preside over the evolution of the several species, there exists not one, excepting that of the dog, that ever gave a thought to the presence of man. – Maurice Maeterlinck ‘Our Friend, The Dog’

 

 

Recollect that the Almighty, who gave the dog to be companion of our pleasures and our toils, hath invested him with a nature noble and incapable of deceit. – Sir Walter Scott ‘The Talisman’

 

 

The dog is man’s best friend, He has a tail on one end, Up in front he has teeth, and four legs underneath. – Ogden Nash ‘An Introduction to Dogs’

 

 

The nose of the Bulldog has been slanted backwards so that he can breathe without letting go. – Winston Churchill

 

 

If you can’t decide between a Shepherd, a Setter or a Poodle, get them all … adopt a mutt! – ASPCA

 

 

A bone to the dog is not charity. Charity is the bone shared with the dog, when you are just as hungry as the dog. – Jack London

 

 

If we value the pursuit of knowledge, we must be free to follow wherever that search may lead us. The free mind is not barking dog, to be tethered on a ten-foot chain. – Adlai E Stevenson Jr.

 

 

I like a bit of a mongrel myself, whether it’s a man or a dog; it’s best for every day. – George Bernard Shaw

 

 

Jesse has a new dog. You may have noticed that his former pets have been peculiarly unfortunate. When this dog dies every employee in the White House will be at once discharged. – Ulysses Grant to White house staff when his son got a Newfoundland pup, and after others of his dogs had died mysteriously

 

 

it takes a strong minded human to appreciate a strong-minded dog! – Mary Webber

 

 

I’d rather have an inch of a dog than miles of pedigree. – Dana Burnet

 

 

If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer. – Alfred North Whitehead

 

 

Never stand between a dog and the hydrant. – John Peers

 

 

I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. – Wendy Liebman

 

 

Know then thyself, Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. – Ann Landers

 

 

You do not own a dog, the dog owns you. – Unknown

 

 

Researches have discovered that dogs can comprehend a vocabulary of 2,000 words, whereas cats can only comprehend 25 to 50. No one ever asks how many words researches can comprehend. – Unknown

 

 

it’s hard to teach an old dog new tricks. – Unknown

 

 

let sleeping dogs lie. – Charles Dickens

 

 

Every dog has his day — but the nights are reserved for the cats. – Unknown

 

 

A piece of grass a day keeps the vet away – Unknown Dog

 

 

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. – James Thurber

 

 

Rambunctious, rumbustious, delinquent dogs become angelic when sitting. – Dr. Ian Dunbar

 

 

All trees have bark. All dogs bark. Therefore, all dogs are trees. The fallacy of barking up the wrong tree. – Unknown

 

 

A dog is a dog except when he is facing you. Then he is Mr. Dog. – Haitian Farmer

 

 

Whoever said “let sleeping dogs lie” didn’t sleep with dogs. – Unknown

 

 

The poor dog, in life the firmest friend, The first to welcome, foremost to defend. – Lord Byron

 

 

Youth will be served, every dog has his day, and mine has been a fine one. – George Borrow

 

 

I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night. – Marie Corelli

 

 

there are three faithful friends: an old wife, an old dog, and ready money. – Benjamin Franklin

 

 

Elegy of the Death of a Mad Dog. The dog, to gain some praivate ends, Went mad and bit the man. The man recovered of the bite, The dog it was that died. – Oliver Goldsmith

 

 

Every Man in His Humour I do honour the very flea of his dog. – Ben Jonson

 

 

The Water Babies “Young and Old”

When all the world is young, lad,

And all the trees are green;

And every goose a swan, lad,

And every lass a queen;

Then hey for boot and horse, lad,

And round the world away:

Young blood must have its course, lad,

And every dog his day. – Charles Kingsley

 

 

The Power of the Dog

There is sorrow enough in the natural way

From men and women to fill our day;

But when we are certain of sorrow in store,

Why do we always arrange for more?

Brothers and Sisters, I bid you beware

Of giving your heart to a dog to tear. – Rudyard Kipling

 

 

Happiness to a dog is what lies on the other side of a door. – Charleton Ogburn Jr.

 

 

I had rather be a dog, and bay the moon, Than such a Roman. – William Shakespeare

 

 

He will hold thee, when his passion shall have spent its novel force, Something better than his dog, a little dearer than his horse. – Alfred Lord Tennyson

 

 

Like a dog, he hunts in dreams. – Alfred Lord Tennyson

 

 

It is the way of a dog that if he is hit by a stone, he bites a fellow dog. – The Zohar

 

 

The Invitation, To Tom Highes

What we can we will be,

Honest Englishmen.

Do the work that’s nearest,

Though it’s dull at whiles,

Helping, when we meet them,

Lame dogs over stiles. – Charles Kingsley

 

 

Sonnet 12 “I did but prompt the age’

I did but prompt the age to quit their clogs

By the known rules of ancient liberty,

When straight a barbarous noise environs me

Of owls and cuckoos, asses, apes and dogs. – John Milton

 

 

Reverence: the spiritual attitude of a man to a god and a dog to a man. – Ambrose Bierce

 

 

Children and dogs are as necessary to the welfare of the country as Wall Street and the railroads. – Harry S Truman

 

 

The world was conquered through the understanding of dogs; the world exists through the understanding of dogs. – Nietzche

 

 

All knowledge, the totality of all questions and all answers is contained in the dog. – Kafka

 

 

The one absolutely unselfish friend that man can have in this selfish world, the one that never deserts him, the one that never proves ungrateful or treacherous, is his dog. . . .He will kiss the hand that has no food to offer; he will lick the wounds and sores that come in encounter with the roughness of the world. . . .When all other friends desert, he remains. – George G Vest

 

 

No animal I know of can consistently be more of a friend and companion than a dog. – Stanley Leinwoll

 

 

Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. – Robert A. Heinlein

 

 

I have a great dog. She’s half Lab, half pit bull. A good combination. Sure, she might bite off my leg, but she’ll bring it back to me.Jimi Celeste

 

 

When you leave them in the morning, they stick their nose in the door crack and stand there like a portrait until you turn the key eight hours later. – Erma Bombeck

 

 

With the exception of women, there is nothing on earth so agreeable or necessary to the comfort of man as the dog. – Edward Jesse

 

 

Cowardly dogs bark loudest. – John Webster

 

 

He has every attribute of a dog except loyalty. – Senator Thomas P. Gore

 

 

Divine Songs for Children “Against Quarrelling” Let dogs delight to bark and bite, For God hath made them so. – Isaac Watts

 

 

I talk to him when I’m lonesome like,

and I’m sure he understands.

When he looks at me so attentively,

and gently licks my hands;

Then he rubs his nose on my tailored clothes,

but I never say naught thereat,

For the good Lord knows I can buy more clothes,

but never a friend like that! – W. Dayton Wedgefarth

 

 

I was desperate. The swine who stole my dog doesn’t realize what he did to me! – Hitler, 1917, After a railroad worker in Alsace stole his terrier

 

 

Qui me amat, amet et canem meum. (“Love me, love my dog.”) – St. Bernard, A.D. 1150, “Sermo Primus”

 

 

Modern houses are so small we’ve had to train our dog to wag its tail up and down and not sideways. – Tacitus

 

 

Our dog chases people on a bike. We’ve had to take it off him. – Winston Churchill

 

 

He’s got his dog trained so that it only does it on newspapers. The trouble is it does it when he’s reading the blasted things. – Honore de Balzac

 

 

Am I a dog, that thou comest to me with staves? Bible – I Samuel 17:43As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly. Bible – Psalms 26:11

 

 

I am called a dog because I fawn on those who give me anything, I yelp at those who refuse, and I set my teeth in rascals. – Diogenes (the Cynic)

 

 

Every boy should have two things: a dog, and a mother willing to let him have one” – Anonymous

 

 

Life is life – whether in a cat, or dog or man. There is no difference there between a cat or a man. The idea of difference is a human conception for man’s own advantage. – Sri Aurobindo

 

 

The bond with a true dog is as lasting as the ties of this earth will ever be. – Konrad Lorenz

 

 

When a dog wants to hang out the “Do Not Disturb” sign, as all of us do now and then, he is regarded as a traitor to his species. – Ramona C. Albert

 

 

[Dogs] are better than human beings, because they know but do not tell. – Emily Dickinson

 

 

The liberal holds that he is true to the republic when he is true to himself. (It may not be as cozy an attitude as it sounds.) He greets with enthusiasm the fact of the journey, as a dog greets a man’s invitation to take a walk. And he acts in the dog’s way too, swinging wide, racing ahead, doubling back, covering many miles of territory that the man never traverses, all in the spirit of inquiry and the zest for truth. He leaves a crazy trail, but he ranges far beyond the genteel old party he walks with and he is usually in a better position to discover a skunk. – E. B. White

 

 

Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. – Sigmund Freud

 

 

Recollect that the Almighty, who gave the dog to be companion of our pleasures and our toils, hath invested him with a nature noble and incapable of deceit. – Sir Walter Scott

 

 

The dog is man’s best friend. He has a tail on one end. Up in front he has teeth. And four legs underneath. – Ogden Nash – An Introduction to Dogs

 

 

For months he had been her devoted admirer. Now, at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions.

 

 

There are quite a lot of advantages in being a bachelor,” he began, “but there comes a time when we long for the companionship of another being-a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one’s absolute property; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one’s joys and sorrows

 

 

“Lay down, pup; lay down,” ordered the man. “Good doggie-lay down, I say.”

“You’ll have to say, ‘Lie Down,’ mister,” declared a bystander. “That’s a Boston Terrier.”

 

 

Customer: “Has this dog a good pedigree?”

Shop Owner: “Has he? Say, if that dog could talk, he wouldn’t speak to either of us.”

 

 

For the fifth year in succession I have pored over the catalogue of dogs in the show at Madison Square Garden without finding a dog named Rover, Towser, Sport, Spot or Fido. Who is the man who can call from the back door at night: “Here, Champion Alexander of Clane o’ Wind-Holme! Here, Champion Alexander of Clane o’ Wind-Holme”? – Westbrook Pegler

 

 

And in that town a dog was found, As many dogs there be, Both mongrel, puppy, whelp, and hound, And curs of low degree. – Oliver Goldsmith

 

 

dog may bark, but his legs will never grow longer. – Unknown

 

 

In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. – Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

 

 

Pomeranians speak only to Poodles and Poodles speak only to God. – Charles Kuralt on “48 Hours”

 

 

A dog wags its tail with its heart – Martin Buxbaum

 

 

I’m a mog. Half man, half dog. I’m my own best friend – Barf, John Candy (Spaceballs)

 

 

Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses. – Elizabeth Taylor

 

 

Every time you stop a school, you will have to build a jail. What you gain at one end you lose at the other. It’s like feeding a dog on his own tail. It won’t fatten the dog. – Mark Twain, speech, 11/23/1900.

 

 

Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’… till you can find a rock. – Unknown

 

 

I am I because my little dog knows me – Gertrude Stein

The dog is a religious animal. In his savage state he worships the moon and the lights that float upon the waters. These are his gods to whom he appeals at night with long-drawn howls. – Anatole France, “The Coming of Riquet”

 

 

The dog represents all that is best in man. – Etienne Charlet

 

 

It often happens that a man is more humanely related to a cat or dog than to any human being. – Henry David Thoreau

 

 

Every boy who has a dog should also have a mother, so the dog can be fed regularly – Anonymous

 

 

I have always thought of a dog lover as a dog that was in love with another dog. – James Thurber

 

 

When a man’s dog turns against him, it is time for his wife to pack her trunk and go home to mamma. – Mark Twain

 

 

Dogs live with man as courtiers ’round a monarch, steeped in the flattery of his notice … to push their favor in this world of pickings and caresses is, perhaps, the business of their lives. – Robert Louis Stevenson

 

 

He that lieth with the dogs, riseth with fleas. – George Herbert

 

 

Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet. – Colette

 

 

Maybe you’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places. A dog will treat you better than anyone you’ll meet at happy hour. Trust me. I’ve been to happy hour.

 

 

A dog will quickly turn you into a fool, but who cares? Better your dog than your boss. I’m a fool for my dog and proud of it.

 

 

If you want the best seat in the house … move the dog

 

 

A house is not a home without a dog

 

 

Dogs are really people with short legs in fur coats

 

 

Dogs are people too

 

 

Be tuff ! The “dog days” of summer can be wuff !

 

 

Chasing your tail gets you nowhere … ‘cept back to where you started

 

 

Family and friends welcome. Fleas are not.

 

 

Friends Fur-ever

 

 

My dog’s not spoiled … I’m just well trained !

 

 

In a perfect world, every dog would have a home and every home would have a dog.

 

 

Spoiled rotten dogs live here

 

 

Work can wait another 30 minutes. There are more important things to do. Like throwing sticks.”

 

 

Dogs are better than children. Even my friends with children say that. As a dog friend of mine likes to say, children are for people who can’t have dogs.”

 

 

A barking dog never bites.

 

 

I wanted so much to step over and pick them up. Several times I tried to move my feet, but they seemed to be nailed to the floor. I knew the pups were mine, all mine, yet I couldn’t move. My heart started aching like a drunk grasshopper. I tried to swallow and couldn’t. My Adam’s apple wouldn’t work. One pup started my way. I held my breath. On he came until I felt a scratchy little foot on mine. The other pup followed. A warm puppy tongue caressed my sore foot. I heard the stationmaster say, ‘They already know you.’ I knelt down and gathered them in my arms. I buried my face between their wiggling bodies and cried.” Wilson Rawls, Where the Red Fern Grows

 

 

Although they couldn’t talk in my terms, they had a language of their own that was easy to understand. Sometimes I would see the answer in their eyes, and again it would be in the friendly wagging of their tails. Other times I could hear the answer in a low whine or feel it in the soft caress of a warm flicking tongue. In some way, they would always answer.” Wilson Rawls, Where the Red Fern Grows

 

 

Men,’ said Mr. Kyle, ‘people have been trying to understand dogs ever since the beginning of time. One never knows what they’ll do. You can read every day where a dog saved the life of a drowning child, or lay down his life for his master. Some people call this loyalty. I don’t. I may be wrong, but I call it love–the deepest kind of love. Wilson Rawls, Where the Red Fern Grows

 

 

I knelt down and put my arms around them. I knew that if it hadn’t been for their loyalty and unselfish courage I would have probably been killed by the slashing claws of the devil cat. ‘I don’t know how I’ll ever pay you back for what you’ve done,’ I said, ‘but I’ll never forget it. Wilson Rawls, Where the Red Fern Grows

 

 

I’m sure the red fern has grown and has completely covered the two little mounds. I know it is still there, hiding its secret beneath those long, red leaves, but it wouldn’t be hidden from me for part of my life is buried there too. Yes, I know it is still there, for in my heart I believe the legend of the sacred red fern. Wilson Rawls, Where the Red Fern Grows, Ch. 20

 

 

  A Familiar Spirit: in Wicca and Neo Pagan mythology is a spirit in animal form that comes to guide and protect you. Such is our relationship with animals that a word definition like this would come into existence. Animals have served mankind faithfully as our protectors and our companions they have been our eyes, our ears, our transportation. Each day animals save lives in search and rescue, law enforcement and in the military, they comfort the sick and the elderly as service animals. Many homeless have said that the unconditional love they received from their pets brought meaning back into their lives. We owe the animals no less in return. We are responsible for the care and well being of the animals in our family and lets not forget that animals are suffering and dying in shelters, laboratories, farms, slaughter houses and chained in back yards all over the country and the world. If you love animals (as I do) then please find a way to help animals in need. Empower yourself and take action. We must all act as guardians for the animals of the world as they have been ours since the beginning of time.

 The Familiar: Angel Animals who happily give everything they have for us and everything they are to us. Loving, loyal and incapable of deception, they are the living embodiment of what it means to be good and pure and noble. They are always there for us making us laugh when we are angry, comforting us when we are sad; when the whole world has abandoned you, they will be by your side. They watch over our homes and our families with unconditional love and unflinching courage. These Guardian Angels in fur and feathers protect us physically, support us emotionally and guide us spiritually teaching us to be better human beings. It is my hope that (as the guide dogs today lead the blind safely home around all the dangers and obstacles in their paths) the animals will one day lead us (as a species) out of the darkness of our own nature and into our humanity.  (Notsuredomus)

 

 

I talk to him when I’m lonesome like; and I’m sure he understands. When he looks at me so attentively, and gently licks my hands; then he rubs his nose on my tailored clothes, but I never say naught thereat. For the good Lord knows I can buy more clothes, but never a friend like that. (W. Dayton Wedgefarth)Unlike some people who have experienced the loss of an animal, I did not believe, even for a moment, that I would never get another. I did know full well that there were just too many animals out there in need of homes for me to take what I have always regarded as the self-indulgent road of saying the heartbreak of the loss of an animal was too much ever to want to go through with it again. To me, such an admission brought up the far more powerful admission that all the wonderful times you had with your animal were not worth the unhappiness at the end. Cleveland Amory

 

 

This soldier, I realized, must have had friends at home and in his regiment; yet he lay there deserted by all except his dog. I looked on, unmoved, at battles which decided the future of nations. Tearless, I had given orders which brought death to thousands. Yet here I was stirred, profoundly stirred, stirred to tears. And by what? By the grief of one dog.

 

Napoleon Bonaparte, on finding a dog beside the body of his dead master, licking his face and howling, on a moonlit field after a battle. Napoleon was haunted by this scene until his own death.

 

 

At one time a synod of the Catholic Church was held in which the question of whether or not animals had a soul was discussed very seriously: would good dogs go to paradise and bad ones, who stole slices of lamb, burn in hell eternally. The denial of the soul was voted: it is enough for the honor of the species that the question was posed. Alfred Barbou

 

 

I’m a great dog fanatic. My own dog died a little while ago and I take it very personally when things die — it’s a major offence. Clive Barker

 

 

The CD is dedicated to our dog Nell, who passed away last year. Julia Barr

 

 

If there is a heaven, it’s certain our animals are to be there. Their lives become so interwoven with our own, it would take more than an archangel to detangle them. Pam Brown

 

 

For those who love dogs, it would be the worst form of a lie to call any place where dogs were banned “Paradise.” Certainly no loving God would separate people from their canine friends for eternity. Stanley Coren, dog psychologist

 

 

I know well enough that there have been dogs so loving that they have thrown themselves into the same grave with the dead bodies of their masters; others have stayed upon their masters’ graves without stirring a moment from them, and have voluntarily starved themselves to death, refusing to touch the food that was brought them. Miguel de Cervantes

 

 

Shall we, because we walk on our hind feet, assume to ourselves only the privilege of imperishability? George Eliot

 

 

Born a dog, Died a gentleman. Epitaph on a dog’s gravestone in Maryland, USA

 

 

She died as she had been born and as she had lived, in my care, and surrounded by those who loved her. Vicki W. Fowler

 

 

Not the least hard thing to bear when they go from us, these quiet friends, is that they carry away with them so many years of our own lives. John Galsworthy

 

 

I guess you don’t really own a dog, you rent them, and you have to be thankful that you had a long lease. Joe Garagiola

 

 

If you have a dog, you will most likely outlive it; to get a dog is to open yourself to profound joy and, prospectively, to equally profound sadness. Marjorie Garber

 

 

Here Shock, the pride of all his kind, is laid,

Who fawned like man, but ne’er like man betrayed. John Gay

 

 

To call him a dog hardly seems to do him justice, though inasmuch as he had four legs, a tail, and barked, I admit he was, to all outward appearances. But to those who knew him well, he was a perfect gentleman. Hermione Gingold

 

 

I think God will have prepared everything for our perfect happiness. If it takes my dog being there [in Heaven], I believe he’ll be there. Rev. Billy Graham

 

 

Oh the saddest of sights in a world of sin

Is the little lost pup with his tail tucked in. Arthur Guiterman

 

 

When some proud Son of Man returns to Earth,

Unknown by Glory, but upheld by Birth,

The sculptor’s art exausts the pomp of woe,

And stories urns record that rests below.

When all is done, upon the Tomb is seen,

Not what he was, but what he should have been.

But the poor Dog, in life the firmest friend,

The first to welcome, foremost to defend,

Whose honest heart is still his Masters own,

Who labours, fights, lives, breathes for him alone,

Unhonour’d falls, unnotic’d all his worth,

Deny’d in heaven the Soul he held on earth –

While man, vain insect! hopes to be forgiven,

And claims himself a sole exclusive heaven.

Oh man! thou feeble tenant of an hour,

Debas’d by slavery, or corrupt by power –

Who knows thee well must quit thee with disgust,

Degraded mass of animated dust!

Thy love is lust, thy friendship all a cheat,

Thy smiles hypocrisy, thy words deceit!

By nature vile, ennoble but by name,

Each kindred brute might bid thee blush for shame.

Ye, who perchance behold this simple urn,

Pass on, it honours none you wish to mourn.

To mark a friend’s remains these stones arise;

I never knew but one – and here he lies.

 

(Found on the monument for Lord Byron’s dog, Boatswain, on the grounds of Byron’s seat in Nottinghamshire, Newstead Abbey.)

 

John Cam Hobhouse. These lines were long thought to be Byron’s, but he decided to use Hobhouse’s full epitaph instead of the last two lines:”To mark a friend’s remains these stones arise; I never knew but one — and here he lies.”

 

The above is quoted letter for letter from the stone inscription

 

 

For the soul of every living thing is in the hand of God. Job 12:10

 

 

The one best place to bury a good dog is in the heart of his master. Ben Hur Lampman

 

 

Many people have heard the remarkable example of devotion involving a Skye terrier dog who worked for a Scottish shepherd named Old Jock. In 1858, the day after Jock was buried (with almost nobody present to mourn him except his shaggy dog) in the churchyard at Greyfriars Abbey in Edinburgh, Bobby was found sleeping on his master’s grave, where he continue to sleep every night for fourteen years. Jeffrey Moussaieff Masson

 

 

There’s a stone I had made for Luke at the top of the hill road, where the pasture opens wide and the setting sun highlights the words carved into its face. “That’ll do, Luke, that’ll do.” The words are said to working dogs all over the world when the chores are done and the flock is settled: “That’ll do dog, come home now, your work is done.” Luke’s work is done too. He took my heart and ran with it, and he’s running still, fast and strong, a piece of my heart bound up with his, forever. Patricia McConnell For the Love of a Dog

 

 

We had a dog, Apples. He was 13 years old, toothless, blind and had the worst breath this side of Jabba the Hut. But he was the sweetest dog, and I cried and cried when he died. Marlee Matlin

 

 

Of all the animals, surely the dog is the only one that really shares our life, helps in our work, and has a place in our recreation. It is the only one that becomes so fond of us that sometimes it cannot go on living after its master dies. Ferdinand Mercy

 

 

I feel about my dogs now, and all the dogs I had prior to this, the way I feel about children — they are that important to me. When I have lost a dog I have gone into a mourning period that lasted for months. Mary Tyler Moore

 

 

I came across a photograph of him not long ago… his black face, the long snout sniffing at something in the air, his tail straight and pointing, his eyes flashing in some momentary excitement. Looking at a faded photograph taken more than forty years before, even as a grown man, I would admit I still missed him. Willie Morris

 

 

The dog of your boyhood teaches you a great deal about friendship, and love, and death: Old Skip was my brother. They had buried him under our elm tree, they said — yet this wasn’t totally true. For he really lay buried in my heart. Willie Morris, My Dog Skip

 

 

Dogs love company. They place it first in their short list of needs. J.R. Ackerley

 

 

A species so intimately involved with our own, which has shared our life since time immemorial. Alfred Barbou

 

 

The dog has been esteemed and loved by all the people on earth and he has deserved this affection for he renders services that have made him man’s best friend. Alfred Barbou

 

 

Old men miss many dogs. Steve Allen

 

 

A person who has never owned a dog has missed a wonderful part of life. Bob Barker

 

 

His ears were often the first thing to catch my tears. Elizabeth Barrett Browning, referring to her cocker spaniel, Flush

 

 

That was the first time I knew I loved him.

Kim Basinger, about her future husband’s rescue of a dog hit by a car on a highway. While driving to work, Alec Baldwin stopped the car and dodged traffic to save the boxer. They adopted her, named her Gracie, and had her join their 15 other dogs and cats.

 

My dogs. Bill Blass, after being asked “Who or what is the greatest love of your life?” by Vanity Fair magazine

 

 

Spaniels by Nature are very loving, surpassing all other Creatures, for in Heat and Cold, Wet and Dry, Day and Night, they will not forsake their Master. Richard Blome

 

 

Here, Gentlemen, a dog teaches us a lesson in humanity.

 

 

Napoleon Bonaparte, after being saved by a Newfoundland after slipping on his ship and falling overboard. He did not know how to swim, and was kept above water by the dog until he could be rescued.

 

  

There are two kinds of fidelity, that of dogs and that of cats; you, gentleman, have the fidelity of cats who never leave the house.

Napoleon Bonaparte, to French courtiers who had not followed him to Elba, after he escaped from there.

 

 

If there is no God for thee

Then there is no God for me.

Anna Hempstead Branch

 

 

If I had a dog I would not feel so lonely, but I suppose that is asking for too much. Eva Braun

 

 

Tell me, if you can, of anything that’s finer than an evening in camp with a rare old friend and a dog after one’s heart. Nash Buckingham

 

 

Only my dogs will not betray me. Maria Callas

 

 

For me a house or an apartment becomes a home when you add one set of four legs, a happy tail, and that indescribable measure of love that we call a dog. Roger Caras, president emeritus, ASPCA

 

 

We derive immeasurable good, uncounted pleasures, enormous security, and many critical lessons about life by owning dogs. Roger Caras, A Celebration of Dogs

 

 

Dogs have given us their absolute all. We are the center of their universe. We are the focus of their love and faith and trust. They serve us in return for scraps. It is without a doubt the best deal man has ever made. Roger Caras

 

 

Right now Jack lives with me. Jack is my Jack Russell. I also have a Yorkie named Ginger, but Jack and Ginger can’t be in the same place at the same time because she is very jealous. Even if Jack’s not in the same state, she would growl if she heard his name. Mariah Carey

 

 

I’m a big man and I like big dogs…. The dogs kept growing until only one of us could get in the elevator. It caused enough hassles so they finally kicked me out of my apartment. Wilt Chamberlain, about living with two Great Danes in New York City

 

 

Oh, what is the matter with poor Puggy-Wug?

Pet him and kiss him and give him a hug.

Run and fetch him a suitable drug.

Wrap him up tenderly all in a rug.

That is the way to cure Puggy-Wug.

Winston Churchill

 

 

One evening at Chequers the film was Oliver Twist. Rufus, as usual, had the best seat in the house, on his master’s lap. At the point when Bill Sikes was about to drown his dog to put the police off his track, Churchill covered Rufus’s eyes with his hand. He said, “Don’t look now, dear. I’ll tell you about it afterwards.” Winston Churchill, The Little Brown Book of Anecdotes

 

 

I could discern clearly, even at that early age, the essential difference between people who are kind to dogs and people who really love them. Frances P. Cobbe, The Confessions of a Lost Dog

 

 

Dogs don’t know about beginnings, and they don’t speculate on matters that occurred before their time. Dogs also don’t know — or at least don’t accept — the concept of death. With no concept of beginnings or endings dogs probably don’t know that for people having a dog as a life companion provides a streak of light between two eternities of darkness. Stanley Coren

 

 

The dog has no ambition, no self-interest, no desire for vengeance, no fear other than that of displeasing. Count of Buffon

 

 

Unmissed but by his dogs and by his groom. William Cowper

 

 

With eye upraised his master’s look to scan,

The joy, the solace, and the aid of man:

The rich man’s guardian and the poor man’s friend,

The only creature faithful to the end.

George Crabbe

  

 

There’s a saying. If you want someone to love you forever, buy a dog, feed it and keep it around. Dick Dale

 

 

The dog’s most important job is still around. Like the legendary Cerberus, the dog still keeps many of us from the Hell of Loneliness. Tara and Kathy Darling

 

 

It is scarcely possible to doubt that the love of man has become instinctive in the dog. Charles Darwin

 

 

Man himself cannot express love and humility by external signs, so plainly as does a dog, when with drooping ears, hanging lips, flexuous body, and wagging tail, he meets his beloved master. Charles Darwin

 

 

A good dog never dies. He always stays. He walks besides you on crisp autumn days when frost is on the fields and winter’s drawing near. His head is within our hand in his old way. Mary Carolyn Davies

 

 

I have found that when you are deeply troubled, there are things you get from the silent devoted companionship of a dog that you can get from no other source. Doris Day

 

 

I know well enough that there have been dogs so loving that they have thrown themselves into the same grave with the dead bodies of their masters; others have stayed upon their masters’ graves without stirring a moment from them, and have voluntarily starved themselves to death, refusing to touch the food that was brought them. Miguel de Cervantes

 

 

It is well to love even a dog when you have the opportunity, for fear you should find nothing else worth loving. Louise Honorine de Choiseul

 

 

Lord, No one but you and I understands what faithfulness is. Do not let me die until, for them, all danger is driven away. Carmon Bernos de Gaesztold, The Prayer for the Dog

 

 

My dogs forgive anger in me, the arrogance in me, the brute in me. They forgive everything I do before I forgive myself. Guy de la Valdene

 

 

Hills — Sir — and the Sundown — and a Dog — large as myself, that my Father bought me. Emily Dickinson, responding to an acquaintance’s question in a letter: “Who are your companions?” She went into reclusion when only 32, preferring her Newfoundland’s company to that of humans.

 

 

You ask of my companions. Hills, sir, and the sundown, and a dog as large as myself that my father bought me. They are better than human beings, because they know but do not tell. Emily Dickinson (This is the full version of the quote above)

 

 

My dear old dog, most constant of all friends. William Croswell Doane

 

 

Dogs are, after all, man’s best friend. The least we can do is try to understand them a little better. Nicholas Dodman

 

 

All of the good things that have come to me have come through my dog. Dog owner overheard in New York’s Central Park

 

 

Folk will know how large your soul is, by the way you treat a dog! Charles F. Doran

 

 

I have a dog and sometimes I’ll be the littlest kid with my dog and marvel at his ears and his nose and how he looks at me. If he died, I’d bawl like a baby. Aaron Eckhart

 

 

The friendship of a dog is precious. It becomes even more so when one is so far removed from home…. I have a Scottie. In him I find consolation and diversion… he is the “one person” to whom I can talk without the conversation coming back to war. Dwight D. Eisenhower

 

 

Agreeable friends they ask no questions, they pass no criticisms. George Eliot

 

 

We long for an affection altogether ignorant of our faults. Heaven has accorded this to us in the uncritical canine attachment. George Eliot

 

 

She’s an amazing dog and really inspired everything that’s in this book. Gloria Estefan

 

 

Until you have bred dogs and have drawn and painted them, it is difficult to realize that no two are identical in conformation. You need do no more than gun for a day over two of them to recognize that each is an individual. It requires the intimacy of daily living with a dog to know the subtle quality of his mind, the ham-smell of his ears, and that his wet nose in your mouth tastes salty. George Bird Evans

 

 

The average dog has one request to all humankind. Love me. Helen Exley

 

 

I like to hike with my dog, Webster. It helps clear my mind. Calista Flockhart

 

 

Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend. Corey Ford

 

 

She died as she had been born and as she had lived, in my care, and surrounded by those who loved her. Vicki W. Fowler

 

 

Dog! When we first met on the highway of life, we came from the two poles of creation…. What can be the meaning of the obscure love for me that has sprung up in your heart? Anatole France

 

 

Until one has loved an animal, a part of one’s soul remains unawakened. Anatole France

 

 

Money may buy you a fine dog, but only love can make it wag its tail. Kinky Friedman

 

 

Thomas A. Edison was once reluctantly persuaded by his wife to attend one of the big social functions of the season in New York. At last the inventor managed to escape the crowd of people vying for his attention, and sat alone unnoticed in a corner. Edison kept looking at his watch with a resigned expression on his face. A friend edged near to him unnoticed and heard the inventor mutter to himself with a sigh, “If there were only a dog here!” Edmund Fuller

 

 

Find the dog quotation you’re looking for, quickly and easily, with the search tool above. Enter the author’s name, or a phrase from the quote, and click on the button.

 

 

Not the least hard thing to bear when they go from us, these quiet friends, is that they carry away with them so many years of our own lives. John Galsworthy

 

 

I guess you don’t really own a dog, you rent them, and you have to be thankful that you had a long lease. Joe Garagiola

 

 

You really have to be some kind of a creep for a dog to reject you. Joe Garagiola

 

 

A study conducted by the State University of New York at Buffalo Medical School suggested that in times of stress a dog is likely to be more help in calming you down than a spouse or partner. Most dog owners can guess the reason why: dogs never judge us and never compete with us. Marjorie Garber

 

 

If you have a dog, you will most likely outlive it; to get a dog is to open yourself to profound joy and, prospectively, to equally profound sadness. Marjorie Garber

 

 

The dogs in our lives, the dogs we come to love and who (we fervently believe) love us in return, offer more than fidelity, consolation, and companionship. They offer comedy, irony, wit, and a wealth of anecdotes, the “shaggy dog stories” and “stupid pet tricks” that are commonplace pleasures of life. They offer, if we are wise enough or simple enough to take it, a model for what it means to give your heart with little thought of return. Both powerfully imaginary and comfortingly real, dogs act as mirrors for our own beliefs about what would constitute a truly humane society. Perhaps it is not too late for them to teach us some new tricks. Marjorie Garber

 

 

It don’t care whether I’m good enough. It don’t care whether I snore or not. It don’t care which God I pray to. There are only three things with that kind of unconditional acceptance: Dogs, donuts, and money. Lawrence Garfield (played by Danny DeVito), Other People’s Money

 

 

I’m married but the special man is my dog, Henry. Ana Gasteyer

 

 

Here Shock, the pride of all his kind, is laid, Who fawned like man, but ne’er like man betrayed. John Gay

 

 

I petted him and made over him till he was wiggling all over to show how happy he was. I felt mean about how I’d treated him and did everything I could to let him know. And that night after dark, when he sneaked into bed with me and Little Arliss, I let him sleep there and never said a word about it to Mama. Fred Gipson, Old Yeller

 

 

Do you know there is always a barrier between me and any man or woman who does not like dogs? Ellen Glasgow

 

 

When most of us talk to our dogs, we tend to forget they’re not people. Julia Glass

 

 

Old age means realizing you will never own all the dogs you wanted to. Joe Gores

 

 

I think God will have prepared everything for our perfect happiness. If it takes my dog being there [in Heaven], I believe he’ll be there. Rev. Billy Graham

 

 

A dog desires more affection than his dinner. Well, almost! Charlotte Gray

 

 

A man and his dog is a sacred relationship. What nature hath put together let no woman put asunder. A.R. Gurney

 

 

There never yet has been a dog Who learned to double cross, Nor catered to you when you won Then dropped you when you lost. Mary Hale

 

 

I like any dog that makes me look good when it stands next to me. Jean Harlow

 

 

Homer was the only person who had managed to stick it out with Rex and Rex loved him. Noel Harrison, about his father Rex Harrison’s relationship with Homer, his basset hound

 

 

They motivate us to play, be affectionate, seek adventure and be loyal. Tom Hayden

 

 

All my dogs have been scamps and thieves and troublemakers and I’ve adored them all. Helen Hayes

 

 

He is my other eyes that can see above the clouds; my other ears that hear above the winds. He is the part of me that can reach out into the sea. He has told me a thousand times over that I am his reason for being; by the way he rests against my leg; by the way he thumps his tail at my smallest smile; by the way he shows his hurt when I leave without taking him. (I think it makes him sick with worry when he is not along to care for me.)

 

 

When I am wrong, he is delighted to forgive. When I am angry, he clowns to make me smile. When I am happy, he is joy unbounded. When I am a fool, he ignores it. When I succeed, he brags. Without him, I am only another man. With him, I am all-powerful. He is loyalty itself.

 

 

He has taught me the meaning of devotion. With him, I know a secret comfort and a private peace. He has brought me understanding where before I was ignorant.

 

 

His head on my knee can heal my human hurts. His presence by my side is protection against my fears of dark and unknown things. He has promised to wait for me… whenever… wherever in case I need him. And I expect I will as I always have. He is just my dog. Gene Hill

 

 

I can’t think of anything that brings me closer to tears than when my old dog completely exhausted after a hard day in the field limps away from her nice spot in front of the fire and comes over to where I’m sitting and puts her head in my lap, a paw over my knee, and closes her eyes, and goes back to sleep. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve that kind of friend. Gene Hill

 

 

No one can fully understand the meaning of love unless he’s owned a dog. A dog can show you more honest affection with a flick of his tail than a man can gather through a lifetime of handshakes. Gene Hill

 

 

We never really own a dog as much as he owns us. Gene Hill

 

 

It’s not really important that Tip was a good dog to hunt over, but it is important to me that she was a good dog to be with. She was my pal. We enjoyed being with each other. I don’t know that you can ask for much more. Gene Hill, Tears and Laughter

 

A shepherd may be a very able, trusty, and good shepherd, without a sweetheart better, perhaps, than with one. But what is he without his dog? James Hogg

 

 

A dog can have a friend; he has affections and character, he can enjoy equally the field and the fireside; he dreams, he caresses, he propitiates; he offends, and is pardoned; he stands by you in adversity; he is a good fellow. Leigh Hunt

 

 

My dog is usually pleased with what I do, because she is not infected with the concept of what I “should” be doing. Lonzo Idolswine

 

 

I read the Odyssey because it was the story of a man who returned home after being absent for more than twenty years and was recognized only by his dog. Guillermo C. Infante

 

 

He never makes it his business to inquire whether you are in the right or wrong, never bothers as to whether you are going up or down life’s ladder, never asks whether you are rich or poor, silly or wise, sinner or saint. You are his pal. That is enough for him. Jerome K. Jerome

 

 

They never talk about themselves but listen to you while you talk about yourself, and keep up an appearance of being interested in the conversation. Jerome K. Jerome

 

 

Dogs have a way of finding the people who need them, Filling an emptiness we don’t even know we have. Thom Jones, submitted by Ellen Kovar

 

 

You know there is no one in the world I would rather sleep with than Yuki. Lyndon Baines Johnson

 

 

I won’t leave Sweden without Ted. The dog is the closest thing in the world to me. Lars Karlstrand, who turned down a lucrative contract to play for a Scottish soccer team due to the six month quarantine laws in the UK.

 

 

For a man living alone dogs are almost more important than human beings. Richard Katz

 

 

One of the most enduring friendships in history — dogs and their people, people and their dogs. Terry Kay

 

 

When the Man waked up he said,

“What is Wild Dog doing here?”

And the Woman said,

“His name is not Wild Dog any more,

but the First Friend,

because he will be our friend

for always and always and always.”

Rudyard Kipling

 

 

Everyone needs a spiritual guide: a minister, rabbi, counselor, wise friend, or therapist. My own wise friend is my dog. Gary Kowalski

 

 

My dog does have his failings, of course. He’s afraid of firecrackers and hides in the clothes closet whenever we run the vacuum cleaner, but, unlike me he’s not afraid of what other people think of him or anxious about his public image. Gary Kowalski

 

 

Dogs are our link to paradise. They don’t know evil or jealousy or discontent. To sit with a dog on a hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing was not boring — it was peace. Milan Kundera

 

 

Nothing but love has made the dog lose his wild freedom, to become the servant of man. D.H. Lawrence

 

 

No animal I know of can consistently be more of a friend and companion than a dog. Stanley Leinwoll

 

 

She has never messed up a single take yet. Recently I was in a scene and there was a table covered with a cloth. When the director said cut, I saw a black nose and two paws inching out from under the cloth. She had hidden there without making a sound until we were done with the scene. She wanted to be nearer to me. Jack Lemmon, referring to Chloe, his poodle, who accompanied him to the movie shoot

 

 

When I got him out he was near froze solid and shivering. He was shaking so hard that I wasted half a glass of whiskey trying to aim it for his mouth. Must have got enough of it into him, though, since it did seem to bring him back to life. Abraham Lincoln, on what it took to save his dog after pulling him from a river where he went through thin ice.

 

 

The dog is the most faithful of animals and would be much esteemed were it not so common. Our Lord God has made his greatest gift the commonest. Martin Luther

 

 

In the world which we know, among the different and primitive geniuses that preside over the evolution of the several species, there exists not one, excepting that of the dog, that ever gave a thought to the presence of man. Maurice Maeterlinck

 

 

The dog is the only living being that has found and recognizes an indubitable, tangible and definite god. He knows to whom above him to give himself. He has not to seek for a superior and infinite power. Maurice Maeterlinck

 

 

We are alone, absolutely alone on this chance planet; amid all the forms of life that surround us, not one, excepting the dog, has made an alliance with us. Maurice Maeterlinck

 

Thorns may hurt you, men desert you, sunlight turn to fog;

but you’re never friendless ever, if you have a dog. Douglas Mallock

 

 

Extraordinary creature! So close a friend, and yet so remote.

Thomas Mann, Stories of Three Decades, “A Man and his Dog”

 

 

I would look at a dog and when our eyes met, I realized that the dog and all creatures are my family. They’re like you and me. Ziggy Marley

 

 

If your house burns down, rescue the dogs. At least they’ll be faithful to you. Lee Marvin

 

 

After a lifetime of affectionate regard for dogs and many years of close observation and reflection, I have reached the conclusion that dogs feel more than I do (I am not prepared to speak for other people). They feel more, and they feel more purely and more intensely. Jeffrey Moussaieff Masson

 

 

Dogs never lie about love. Jeffrey Moussaieff Masson

 

 

Many people have heard the remarkable example of devotion involving a Skye terrier dog who worked for a Scottish shepherd named Old Jock. In 1858, the day after Jock was buried (with almost nobody present to mourn him except his shaggy dog) in the churchyard at Greyfriars Abbey in Edinburgh, Bobby was found sleeping on his master’s grave, where he continue to sleep every night for fourteen years. Jeffrey Moussaieff Masson

 

 

It has been 20,000 years since man and dog formed their partnership. Donald McCaig

 

 

Dogs, bless them, operate on the premise that human beings are fragile and require incessant applications of affection and reassurance. The random lick of a hand and the furry chin draped over the instep are calculated to let the shaky owner know that a friend is nearby. Mary McGrory

 

 

I’d be happy to have my biography be the stories of my dogs. To me, to live without dogs would mean accepting a form of blindness. Thomas McGuane

 

 

Isn’t it wonderful how dogs can win friends and influence people without ever reading a book. E.C. McKenzie

 

 

Of all the animals, surely the dog is the only one that really shares our life, helps in our work, and has a place in our recreation. It is the only one that becomes so fond of us that sometimes it cannot go on living after its master dies. Fernand Mercy

 

 

A lover tries to stand in well with the pet dog of the house. Molière

 

 

In regard to dogs, my most memorable thoughts concern my daughter’s dog and her fondness for them. In fact, one day while working at the office, she hosted a birthday party for one of her Newfoundlands and the party was attended by dogs of other coworkers. It was a hectic few hours, but I believe the guests enjoyed themselves. Thomas S. Monaghan

 

 

I feel about me dogs now, and all the dogs I had prior to this, the way I feel about children — they are that important to me. When I have lost a dog I have gone into a mourning period that lasted for months. Mary Tyler Moore

 

 

People who keep dogs live longer on average than those who do not. This is not some kind of pro-canine campaigning fantasy. It is a simple medical fact that the calming influence of the company of a friendly pet animal reduces blood pressure and therefore the risk of heart attack. Desmond Morris

 

 

The dog of your boyhood teaches you a great deal about friendship, and love, and death: Old Skip was my brother. They had buried him under our elm tree, they said — yet this wasn’t totally true. For he really lay buried in my heart. Willie Morris, My Dog Skip

 

 

A dog is for life, and not just for Christmas.

National Canine Defense League slogan

 

 

Because of Diamond, I have had to begin much of the work afresh. I will not, however, rid myself of her, nor even punish her. She knew not what she was doing, and that which she did was for my protection and for love of my person. Her place remains at my side or against my feet when I lie abed. Sir Isaac Newton, about his Pomeranian Diamond’s attempt to guard him from a stranger at the door. Diamond knocked over a candle, burning all of Newton’s papers, including his writings on the law of gravity.

 

 

When the dog was created, it licked the hand of God and God stroked its head, saying, “What do you want, dog?” It replied, “My Lord, I want to stay with you, in heaven, on a mat in front of the gate.” Marie Noel

 

 

He had let out the dogs and they were jumping around him frantic with joy, as if they were afraid, every night, there would never be another letting out or another morning. Mary O’Hara

 

 

Any woman who does not thoroughly enjoy tramping across the country on a clear frosty morning with a good gun and a pair of dogs does not know how to enjoy life. Annie Oakley

 

 

It is true that whenever a person loves a dog he derives great power from it. Old Seneca Chief

 

 

When you feel lousy, puppy therapy is indicated. Sara Paretsky

 

 

Dogs give their human companions unconditional love and are always there with an encouraging wag of the tail when they are needed. The dog is indeed a very special animal. Dorothy Hinshaw Patent, Dogs: The Wolf Within

 

 

Dog is the only animal in the world who ostensibly likes another breed better than his own. Man. Ted Patrick

 

 

To a man the greatest blessing is individual liberty; to a dog it is the last word in despair. William Lyon Phelps

 

 

No louder shrieks to pitying heaven are cast,

When husbands or lap-dogs breathe their last. Alexander Pope

 

 

Here lies DASH, the Favourite Spaniel of Queen Victoria

By whose command this Memorial was erected.

He died on the 20 December, 1840 in his 9th year.

His attachment was without selfishness,

His playfulness without malice,

His fidelity without deceit.

READER, if you would live beloved and die regretted,

profit by the example of DASH.

Queen Victoria, epitaph on the gravestone of her King Charles cavalier spaniel, Dash, who was buried in the castle’s garden.

 

 

I think dogs are the most amazing creatures; they give unconditional love. For me they are the role model for being alive. Gilda Radner

 

 

Gratitude: that quality which the Canine Mongrel seldom lacks; which the Human Mongrel seldom possesses! Lion P.S. Rees

 

 

Our dogs will love and admire the meanest of us, and feed our colossal vanity with their uncritical homage. Agnes Repplier

 

 

One of the happiest sights in the world comes when a lost dog is reunited with a master he loves. You just haven’t seen joy till you have seen that. Eldon Roark

 

 

My friendship with Mitzi was like the friendship that many children have with their pets. My mother and father thought it was “good for me” to have a dog for a companion. Well it was good for me, but it was only many years after she died that I began to understand how good it was, and why. Fred Rogers (Mr. Rogers)

 

 

A dog will never forget the crumb thou gavest him, though thou mayst afterwards throw a hundred stones at his head.  Sa’di

 

 

A dog doesn’t care if you’re rich or poor, big or small, young or old. He doesn’t care if you’re not smart, not popular, not a good joke-teller, not the best athlete, nor the best-looking person. To your dog, you are the greatest, the smartest, the nicest human being who was ever born. You are his friend and protector. Louis Sabin, All About Dogs As Pets

 

 

No matter how little money and how few possessions you own, having a dog makes you rich. Louis Sabin, All About Dogs As Pets

 

 

I love my dear mistress; I can say more than that; I lover her better than any one else in the world. Margaret Marshall Saunders, Beautiful Joe (told through the eyes of a dog). This book was the first ever to sell one million copies in Canada.

 

 

The little furry buggers are just deep, deep wells you throw all your emotions into. Bruce Schimmel

 

 

There’s just something about dogs that makes you feel good. You come home; they’re thrilled to see you. They’re good for the ego. Janet Schulman

 

 

Hear our humble prayer, O God. Make us, ourselves, to be true friends to the animals. Albert Schweitzer

 

 

I have sometimes thought of the final cause of dogs having such short lives and I am quite satisfied it is in compassion to the human race; for if we suffer so much in losing a dog after an acquaintance of ten or twelve years, what would it be if they were to live double that time? Sir Walter Scott

 

 

The misery of keeping a dog is his dying so soon. But, to be sure, if he lived for fifty years and then died, what would become of me? Sir Walter Scott

 

 

Let’s examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it’s amazing. He can’t believe that you’ve accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. “He’s back again! It’s that guy! It’s that guy!” Jerry Seinfeld

 

 

Not Carnegie, Vanderbilt and Astor together could have raised money enough to buy a quarter share in my little dog. Ernest Thompson Seton

 

 

Amid the cheering of the crowds, he hardly heard his master’s voice, but he saw the familiar head and shoulders, and the bright flag he was waving. He raced toward the seven-foot fence; without apparent effort he rose in the air and cleared the top with a good hand-breadth to spare; then dashed up to his master that he loved, and gamboled there and licked his hand in heart-full joy. Again the victor’s crown was his, and the master, a man of dogs, caressed the head of shining black with the jewel eyes of gold. Ernest Thompson Seton, The Hero Dog of France

 

 

Blessed is the person who has earned the love of an old dog. Sidney Jeanne Seward

 

 

The psychological and moral comfort of a presence at once humble and understanding — this is the greatest benefit that the dog has bestowed upon man. Percy Bysshe Shelley

 

 

None are as fiercely loyal as dog people. In return, no doubt, for the never-ending loyalty of dogs. Linda Shrieves

 

 

Like many other much-loved humans, they believed that they owned their dogs, instead of realizing that their dogs owned them.mDodie Smith, 101 Dalmatians

 

 

Gangster is the truest friend I can ever ask for.

Sylvester Stallone, about Gangster, his boxer

 

 

Getting a dog is like getting married. It teaches you to be less self-centered, to accept sudden, surprising outbursts of affection, and not to be upset by a few scratches on your car. Will Stanton

 

 

I am I because my little dog knows me. Gertrude Stein

 

 

It is my experience that in some areas [my poodle] Charley is more intelligent that I am, but in others he is abysmally ignorant. He can’t read, can’t drive a car, and has no grasp of mathematics. But in his own field of endeavor, which he is now practicing, the slow, imperial smelling over and anointing on an area, he has no peer. Of course his horizons are limited, but how wide are mine? John Steinbeck

 

 

Sir, this is a unique dog. He does not live by tooth or fang. He respects the right of cats to be cats although he doesn’t admire them. He turns his steps rather than disturb an earnest caterpillar. His greatest fear is that someone will point out a rabbit and suggest that he chase it. This is a dog of peace and tranquility. John Steinbeck

 

 

The truth is that it’s just really hard for me to get to sleep without a dog in my bedroom. I once had a dog named Beau. He used to sleep in the corner of the bedroom. Some nights, though, he would sneak onto the bed and lie right between Gloria and me. I know that I should have pushed him off the bed, but I didn’t. He was up there because he wanted me to pat his head, so that’s what I would do. Jimmy Stewart

 

 

Pray steal me not, I’m Mrs. Dingley’s,

Whose heart in this four-footed thing lies.

Jonathan Swift (a lapdog’s collar inscription)

Dog lovers are a good breed themselves.

Gladys Taber

 

 

I class myself with Rin Tin Tin. At the end of the Depression, people were perhaps looking for something to cheer them up. The fell in love with a dog, and with a little girl. Shirley Temple

 

 

The dog was cold and in pain. But being only a dog it did not occur to him to trot off home to the comfort of the library fire and leave his master to fend for himself. Albert Payson Terhune

 

 

Inside every Newfoundland, Boxer, Elkhound and Great Dane is a puppy longing to climb on to your lap. Helen Thomson

 

 

We are two travelers, Roger and I. Roger’s my dog — come here, you scamp! Jump for the gentleman — mind your eye! Over the table, — look out for the lamp! The rogue is growing a little old; Five years we’ve tramped through wind and weather, And slept out-doors when nights were cold, And ate and drank and starved together. John T. Trowbridge, The Vagabonds

 

 

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. Mark Twain, Pudd’nhead Wilson

 

 

I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am. Unknown Author

 

 

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics,

Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog. Unknown Author

 

 

One reason a dog can be such a comfort when you’re feeling blue is that he doesn’t try to find out why. Unknown Author

 

 

You never realize a dog is a man’s best friend until you start betting on horses. Unknown Author

 

 

Greyfriars Bobby.

Died 14th Jan 1872.

Aged 16 years.

Let his loyalty & devotion

Be a lesson to us all.

(The inscription on Bobby’s headstone, as tribute to the Skye terrier who slept on his master’s grave every night for fourteen years. American donors erected the tribute in the 1930s.) Unknown Author

 

 

Stick around any place long enough and chances are you’ll be taken for granted. Hang around for 20,000 years wagging your tail and being man’s (and woman’s) best friend, and you’ll be taken for granted big time. Lynn Van Matre

 

 

The best friend man has in the world may turn against him and become his enemy. His son, or daughter, that he has reared with loving care, may prove ungrateful. Those who are nearest and dearest to us, those whom we trust with our happiness and good name may become traitors to their faith. The money a man has he may lose. It flies away from him, perhaps when he needs it most. A man’s reputation may be sacrificed in a moment of ill-considered action. The people who are prone to fall on their knees when success is with us may be the first to throw the stone of malice when failure settles its cloud upon our head.

 

The one absolutely unselfish friend that man can have in this selfish world, the one that never deserts him, the one that never proves ungrateful or treacherous, is his dog. A man’s dog stands by him in prosperity and poverty, in health and in sickness. He will sleep on the cold ground when the wintry winds blow and the snow drives fiercely, if only to be near his master’s side. He will kiss the hand that has no food to offer, he will lick the wounds and sores that come in encounters with the roughness of the world. He guards the sleep of his pauper master as if he were a prince.

 

When all other friends desert, he remains. When riches take wing, and reputation falls to pieces, he is as constant in his love as the sun in its journey through the heavens.

 

If fortune drives his master forth, an outcast in the world, friendless and homeless, the faithful dog asks no higher privilege than that of accompanying him, to guard him against danger, to fight against his enemies. And when that last scene of all comes, and death takes his master in its embrace and his body is laid away in the cold ground, no matter if all other friends pursue their way, there, by the graveside will the noble dog be found, his head between his paws, his eyes sad, but open in alert watchfulness, faithful and true, even in death.

 

Senator George Graham Vest, speaking to a jury about Old Drum, shot in 1869

 

 

I know that I have had friends who would never have vexed or betrayed me, if they had walked on all fours. Horace Walpole

 

 

If my dog is barred by the heavenly guard

We’ll both of us brave the heat!

W. Dayton Wedgefarth

 

 

I have had a long unabashed love affair with dogs that stretches back to early childhood. Caspar Weinberger

 

 

I can still see my first dog. For six years he met me at the same place after school and convoyed me home — a service he thought up himself. A boy doesn’t forget that sort of association. E.B. White

 

 

Our dogs, like our shoes, are comfortable. They might be a bit out of shape and a little worn around the edges, but they fit well. Bonnie Wilcox, Old Dogs, Old Friends

 

 

The dog without his master was like a body without a soul. Mary E. Wilkins

 

 

They give unconditional love and undying loyalty in return for regular meals and an occasional pat on the head. Jon Winokur

 

 

Even his sleep was full of dreams. He dreamt as he had not dreamt since the old days at Three Mill Cross — of hares starting from the long grass; of pheasants rocketing up with long tails streaming, of partridge rising with a whirr from the stubble. He dreamt that he was hunting, that he was chasing some spotted spaniel, who fled, who escaped him…. Then he opened his eyes. There were no hares, and no partridges; no whips cracking…. There was only Mr. Browning in the armchair talking to Miss Barrett on the sofa. Virginia Woolf, in a biography of Flush, a cocker spaniel, owned by Robert Browning and Elizabeth Barrett Browning. Flush was dognapped and held for ransom. Barrett (before her marriage) negotiated directly for Flush’s release due to a lack of funds to pay the ransom.

 

 

Of the memory of the dog, and the recollection of kindness received, there are a thousand stories, from the return of Ulysses to the present day, and we have seen enough of that faithful animal to believe most of them. William Youatt

 

 

In the dog-eat-dog economy, the Doberman is boss. Edward Abbey

 

 

It is not an easy thing to inflate a dog. Edward Abbey

 

 

In a dog-eat-dog world, it is the dogmatic domain of dog lovers to offer dodge a dog’s chance to rise above the dog days for a doggone good time. AKC Gazette, August 1991

 

 

When a dog wants to hang out the “Do Not Disturb” sign, as all of us do now and then, he is regarded as a traitor to his species. Ramona C. Albert

 

 

Asthma doesn’t seem to bother me any more unless I’m around cigars or dogs. The thing that would bother me most would be a dog smoking a cigar. Steve Allen

 

 

I bought my grandmother a Seeing Eye dog. But he’s a little sadistic. He does impressions of cars screeching to a halt. Larry Amoros

 

 

My neighbor has two dogs. One of them says to the other, “Woof!”

The other replies, “Moo!”

The dog is perplexed. “Moo? Why did you say, ‘Moo’?”

The other dog says, “I’m trying to learn a foreign language.”

Morey Amsterdam

 

 

Some dogs live for praise. They look at you as if to say “Don’t throw balls… just throw bouquets.” Jhordis Anderson

 

 

I have a dog so mean, he ate the neighbor’s weenie dog. Now he’s a bratweiler. Nick Arnette

 

 

My Labrador retriever had a nervous breakdown. I kept throwing him a boomerang. Nick Arnette

 

 

Thank God for machines. They can make a dog sing! Christopher Atkins

 

 

A dog can express more with his tail in minutes than his owner can express with his tongue in hours. Anonymous

 

 

A watchdog is a dog kept to guard your home, usually by sleeping where a burglar would awaken the household by falling over him.

 

 

Dogs have owners, cats have staff.

 

 

Every boy should have two things: a dog, and a mother willing to let him have one.

 

 

Every boy who has a dog should also have a mother, so the dog can be fed regularly.

 

 

It’s no coincidence that man’s best friend cannot talk.

 

 

Never judge a dog’s pedigree by the kind of books he does not chew.

 

 

There is only one smartest dog in the world, and every boy has it.

 

 

To err is human to forgive, canine.

 

 

You always sympathize with the underdog, except when the other dog is yours.

I have consolidated all the Dave Barry dog quotes onto one page for easier access.

 

 

He knew what people thought of his kind. “High Strung.” “Spoiled Rotten.” “French.”

But in the next twenty-four hours, he’s going to change all that….

He’s SMALL.

He’s BLACK.

He’s MAD AS HELL.

He’s POODLE with a MOHAWK.

“You’ll never call him Fifi again.”

Lynda Barry

 

 

A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk. Battista

 

 

Where are the dogs going? you people who pay so little attention ask. They are going about their business. And they are very punctilious, without wallets, notes, and without briefcases. Charles Baudelaire

 

 

The ideal age for a boy to own a dog is between forty-five and fifty. Robert Benchley

 

 

Trained or not, he’ll always be his own dog to a degree. Carol Lea Benjamin

 

 

Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane. Smiley Blanton

 

 

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window! Steve Bluestone

 

 

I have placed all the Erma Bombeck dog quotes on one page for easier access.

Dogs are a habit, I think. Elizabeth Bowen

 

 

The Airedale… an unrivaled mixture of brains and clownish wit, the very ingredients one looks for in a spouse. Chip Brown, Connoisseur Magazine

 

 

In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. Dereke Bruce

 

 

I’d rather have an inch of a dog than miles of pedigree. Dana Burnet

 

 

Study hard, and you might grow up to be President. But let’s face it: Even then, you’ll never make as much money as your dog. George Bush, to a graduating class, referring to Millie, his dog, who earned $889,176 in book royalties

 

 

The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too. Samuel Butler, Higgledy-Piggledy

 

 

It was a fine fall morning in Paris, crisp and clear, and Benji was quite full of himself, cavorting near the fountain, playing with the children who had inexplicably materialized out of nowhere at the first whiff of a movie star. Their faces radiated and they took turns gently stroking his head. Those Benji chose to favor with a big sloppy lick exploded with laughter, and one young girl ran to her mother, screeching in French that she would never wash her face again. Joe Camp, writer/producer/director of Benji

 

 

Mrs. Campbell once attempted to smuggle her pet Pekingese through customs by tucking him inside the upper part of her cape. “Everything was going splendidly,” she later remarked, “until my bosom barked.” Beatrice Stella Campbell

 

 

I’m a mog. Half man, half dog. I’m my own best friend. John Candy, as Barf, in Spaceballs

 

 

If dogs could talk, perhaps we’d find it just as hard to get along with them as we do people. Karel Capek

 

 

Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch. George Carlin

 

 

What does a dog do on his day off? He can’t lie around – that’s his job. George Carlin

 

 

A Chihuahua. They’re good. If you lose one, just empty out your purse. Jean Carroll

 

 

I am cursed with a right leg that arouses the desire of any male dog that happens to be passing. I used to think that this only happened to me but I’ve discovered that many people have the same problem. They have a femme fatale limb. Jasper Carrott

 

 

Every dog has his day, unless he loses his tail, then he has a weak-end. June Carter

 

 

Men cheat for the same reason that dogs lick their balls… because they can.

Kim Cattrall, as Samantha Jones in Sex and the City

 

 

I have a great dog. She’s half Lab, half pit bull. A good combination. Sure, she might bite off my leg, but she’ll bring it back to me. Jimi Celeste

 

 

I always like a dog so long as he isn’t spelled backward. G.K. Chesterton

 

 

A lawyer is just like an attack dog, only without a conscience. Tom Clancy

 

 

I just bought a Chihuahua. It’s the dog for lazy people. You don’t have to walk it. Just hold it out the window and squeeze. Anthony Clark

 

 

I know that dogs are pack animals, but it is difficult to imagine a pack of standard poodles… and if there was such a thing as a pack of standard poodles, where would they rove to? Bloomingdale’s? Yvonne Clifford

 

 

Sometimes I feel like a fire hydrant looking at a pack of dogs. Bill Clinton

 

 

Everyone’s pet is the most outstanding. This begets mutual blindness. Jean Cocteau

 

 

Our late lamented English setter was spoilt, goofy, terrifyingly tenacious and possessed a totally unbridled sex drive. If he got on the trail of a bitch, he would charge across three main roads, race twenty miles until he caught up with her and then mount her from the wrong end. Jilly Cooper

 

 

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: “Can I help, sir?” “No thanks,” says the blind bloke. “Just looking.” Tommy Cooper

 

 

I went to the dentist. He said “Say Aaah.”

I said “Why?”

He said “My dog’s died.”

Tommy Cooper

 

 

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home who answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night. Marie Corelli

 

 

I don’t eat anything that a dog won’t eat. Like sushi. Ever see a dog eat sushi? He just sniffs it and says, “I don’t think so.” And this is an animal that licks between its legs and sniffs fire hydrants. Billiam Coronel

 

 

It’s like this, dear boy, the one in front is blind and the kind one behind is pushing him.

Noel Coward (explaining to Laurence Olivier’s young son about two dogs he saw copulating, and then asked what they were doing)

 

 

When a dog bites a man that is not news, but when a man bites a dog that is news.

Charles Anderson Dana, “What Is News?”, The New York Sun

 

 

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass. Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid. Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm. Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

I was haunted by trainers going “Up, up, up, get up.” You find yourself picking your head up and then realizing, They aren’t talking to me. Jeff Daniels, about shooting the film 101 Dalmatians

 

 

The dog is a yes-animal, very popular with people who can’t afford to keep a yes-man. Robertson Davies

 

 

He’s got his dog trained so that it only does it on newspapers. The trouble is it does it when he’s reading the blasted things. Honoré de Balzac

 

 

When there is an old maid in the house, a watchdog is unnecessary. Honoré de Balzac

 

 

My Scottie refused to go for a walk with a friend of the house, but she would joyously accompany any stranger who drove a car. Mazo de la Roche

 

 

She never sat down in a car but stood, braced tense, facing the wind. Now and again she would turn her face toward me with an apologetic expression as though to say: “I have not forgotten that you are here but there are certain pleasures I cannot share with you.” Her nose never ceased its sensitive quivering. Mazo de la Roche

 

 

The more I see of the depressing stature of people, the more I admire my dogs. Alphonse de Lamartine

 

 

Dog owners are out in all kinds of weather. They tell you it’s small payment for the love their dogs bear them. Some love. If that dog weren’t on a leash, he’d be off after another dog, a cat, or any stranger walking along the street with a wet bag of meat. Selma Diamond

 

 

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls. Phyllis Diller

 

 

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks. Phyllis Diller

 

 

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture. Phyllis Diller

 

 

Why can’t a woman be more like a dog, huh? So sweet, loving, attentive. Kirk Douglas

 

 

Rambunctious, rumbustious, delinquent dogs become angelic when sitting. Dr. Ian Dunbar

 

 

Animals generally return the love you lavish on them by a swift bite in passing — not unlike friends and wives. Gerald Durrell

 

 

You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets. Nora Ephron

 

 

Stevie Wonder always smells so good… I’m like a DEA dog, I can smell people a block away! Gloria Estefan

 

 

When dogs leap onto your bed, it’s because they adore being with you. When cats leap onto your bed, it’s because they adore your bed. Alisha Everett

 

 

In dog training, jerk is a noun, not a verb. Dr. Dennis Fetko

 

 

If your dog thinks you’re the greatest person in the world, don’t seek a second opinion. Jim Fiebig

 

 

You own a dog; you feed a cat. Jim Fiebig

 

 

No man is the boss of his own house, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead. W.C. Fields

 

 

The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and not the dog, is man’s best friend. Rover is taking a beating and he should. W.C. Fields

 

Fifth Avenue is too expensive for anyone but dogs. Mel Finkelstein, Daily News

 

 

Every dog should have a man of his own. There is nothing like a well-behaved person around the house to spread the dog’s blanket for him, or bring him his supper when he comes home man-tired at night. Corey Ford

 

 

Men cannot think like dogs…. [There exists] a sharp difference in the mental capacity of humans and canines. For example, a human who is given an intricate problem will spend all day trying to solve it, but a canine will have the sense to give up and do something else instead. Corey Ford

 

 

When a doting person gets down on all fours and plays with the dog’s rubber mouse, it only confuses the puppy and gives him a sense of insecurity. He gets the impression that the world is unstable and wonders whether he is supposed to walk on his hind legs and smoke cigars. Corey Ford

 

 

[Watching a baby being born] is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door. Jeff Foxworthy

 

 

If you don’t mind throwing tennis balls for eternity, I do have an opening in doggie heaven. – Angel at St. Peter’s Gate, to a man seeking admittance Frank and Ernest comic strip

 

 

He that lieth down with dogs, shall rise up with fleas. Benjamin Franklin

 

 

There are three faithful friends an old wife, an old dog and ready money. Benjamin Franklin

 

 

The scientific name for an animal that doesn’t either run from or fight its enemies is lunch. Michael Friedman

 

 

“How’s it going Mr. Peterson?” – Woody

“It’s a dog-eat-dog world, Woody, and I’m wearing Milk Bone underwear.” – Norm

From an episode of Cheers

 

 

It freshens your breath and helps prevent tartar.

Mel Gibson, while eating a dog biscuit at Harvard University, 1996

 

 

Good people all, of every sort,

Give ear unto my song;

And if you find it wondrous short,

It cannot hold you long.

In Islington there was a man,

Of whom the world might say

That still a godly race he ran,

Whene’er he went to pray.

A kind and gentle heart he had,

To comfort friends and foes;

The naked every day he clad,

When he put on his clothes.

And in that town a dog was found,

As many dogs there be,

Both mongrel, puppy, whelp and hound,

And curs of low degree.

This dog and man at first were friends;

But when a pique began,

The dog, to gain some private ends,

Went mad and bit the man.

Around from all the neighboring streets

The wondering neighbors ran,

And swore the dog had lost his wits,

to bite so good a man.

The wound it seemed both sore and sad

To every Christian eye;

And while they swore the dog was mad,

They swore the man would die.

But soon a wonder came to light,

That showed the rogues they lied:

The man recovered of the bite,

The dog it was that died.

Oliver Goldsmith, An Elegy on the Death of a Mad Dog

 

 

Breed a Boxer with a German Shorthaired Pointer, you get a Boxer shorts. A dog never seen in public.

 

 

Breed a Bulldog with a Shih Tzu and you get a Bullshitz. Good Dog! magazine

 

 

Breed a Deerhound with a terrier, you get a Derriere. True to the end! Good Dog! magazine

 

 

Breed a Labrador Retriever with a Curly Coated Retriever, you get a Lab Coat Retriever. The choice for research scientists. Good Dog! magazine

 

 

Breed a Pointer with an Irish Setter, you get a Pointsetter. A traditional Christmas Pet. Good Dog! magazine

 

 

Mix a Newfoundland with a Bassett Hound, you get the Newfound Asset Hound. A dog for financial advisors. Good Dog! magazine

 

 

Cats are the ultimate narcissists. You can tell this because of all the time they spend on personal grooming. Dogs aren’t like this. A dog’s idea of personal grooming is to roll on a dead fish. James Gorman

 

 

Say something idiotic and nobody but a dog politely wags his tail. Virginia Graham

 

 

A dog desires more affection than his dinner. Well, almost! Charlotte Gray

 

 

Dogs are great assets to candidates, and the feeling seems to be engendered that if a dog loves the candidate, he can’t be all that bad. Dick Gregory

 

 

Dogs are animals that poop in public and you’re supposed to pick it up. After a week of doing this, you’ve got to ask yourself, “Who’s the real master in this relationship?” Anthony Griffin

 

 

Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes. Lewis Grizzard

 

 

You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, “What’s in it for me?” Lewis Grizzard

 

 

A man and his dog is a sacred relationship. What nature hath put together let no woman put asunder. A.R. Gurney

 

 

I tried to get my dog to practice safe sex. But he keeps licking the condoms off. Tim Halpern

 

 

Bulldogs have been known to fall on their swords when confronted by my superior tenacity. Margaret Halsey

 

 

I can’t tell you how much we laughed on the set to have Alec Guinness in a scene with a big, furry dog that’s flying a space ship. Mark Hamill, referring to Obi-Wan Kenobi and Chewbacca in the first Star Wars trilogy.

 

 

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp-post how it feels about dogs. Christopher Hampton

 

 

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you’re coming home his face might burn up. Jack Handey

 

 

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. Jack Handey

 

 

If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm was finally over, I think a good name for him would be Carl. Jack Handey

 

 

If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten the dogs. Jack Handey

 

 

In my day, we didn’t have dogs or cats. All I had was Silver Beauty, my beloved paper clip. Jennifer Hart

 

 

His herding instinct is so strong that he confuses tractors on a baseball field for sheep. He was hospitalized twice. Once by a line drive and once for attacking a tractor tread. Tom Hayden, about his border collie

 

 

People teach their dogs to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky. Mitch Hedberg

 

 

All men are not slimy warthogs. Some men are silly giraffes, some woebegone puppies, some insecure frogs. But if one is not careful, those slimy warthogs can ruin it for all the others. Cynthia Heimel

 

 

Dogs act exactly the way we would act if we had no shame. Cynthia Heimel

 

 

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. Robert A. Heinlein

 

 

I like them all — pointers, setters, retrievers, spaniels what have you. I’ve had good ones and bad of several kinds. Most of the bad ones were my fault and most of the good ones would have been good under any circumstances. Gene Hill

 

 

Whoever said you can’t buy happiness forgot little puppies. Gene Hill

 

 

If you feed your dog a chip be prepared to stock up. Jessica Hofland

 

 

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast. Bob Hope

 

 

You may have a dog that won’t sit up, roll over or even cook breakfast, not because she’s too stupid to learn how but because she’s too smart to bother. Rick Horowitz

 

 

About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog. Edgar Watson Houe

 

 

To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs. Aldous Huxley

 

 

But with dogs, we do have “bad dog.” Bad dog exists. “Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!” The dog is saying, “Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!”

“Well, if you put it that way, I think you’ve got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry.” Eddie Izzard

 

 

People have been asking me if I was going to have kids, and I had puppies instead. Kate Jackson

 

 

She lies about her age and weight and is slightly older than Rocket. But they’ve been a couple for eight years, longer than most in Hollywood. Kate Jackson, referring to her dogs

 

 

They had a… dog called Bluey. A know psychopath, Bluey would attack himself if nothing else was available. Clive James

 

 

Fox-terriers are born with about four times as much original sin in them as other dogs. Jerome K. Jerome

 

 

They never talk about themselves but listen to you while you talk about yourself, and keep up an appearance of being interested in the conversation. Jerome K. Jerome

 

 

With the exception of women, there is nothing on earth so agreeable or necessary to the comfort of man as the dog. Edward Jesse, Anecdote of Dogs

 

 

He is so shaggy. People are amazed when he gets up and they suddenly realize they have been talking to the wrong end. Elizabeth Jones

 

 

Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. Franklin P. Jones

 

 

Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job. Franklin P. Jones

 

 

When a dog barks at the moon, then it is religion; but when he barks at strangers, it is patriotism! David Starr Jordan

 

 

I used to look at Smokey and think, “If you were a little smarter you could tell me what you were thinking,” and he’d look at me like he was saying, “If you were a little smarter, I wouldn’t have to.” Fred Jungclaus

 

 

The pug is living proof that God has a sense of humor. Margot Kaufman

 

 

Guests are people who come to your home to see you whine at the table, bark loudly, jump on women wearing pantyhose, and do other tricks which you wouldn’t think of doing just for the family. from The Doggie Dictionary Peg Kehret

 

 

Strange medical news from Pakistan: A man had a successful organ transplant with a dog. They gave the man a dog’s organ. In a related story today, Keith Richards was seen chasing a mailman. Craig Kilborn

 

 

She is such a scene-stealer. She’s got these lashes and big eyes, and when she walks on to the set everybody just says “ooh.” Greg Kinnear, about the dog Jill, who played Verdell in As Good As It Gets

 

 

When I played Lady Day, I took Aba onstage with me as a joke. He started singing — in tune! — and the audience loved it. Eartha Kitt, when asked what tricks her poodle did.

 

 

The dog is like a liberal. He wants to please everybody. William Kunstler

 

 

Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. Ann Landers

 

 

If a pit bull romances your leg, fake an orgasm. Hut Landon

 

 

The next-door neighbors had a German police dog that… acts as a bodyguard for the lady of the house and one day we was over there and t he host says to slap his Mrs. on the arm and see what happened so I slapped her on the arm and I can still show you what happened. Ring Lardner

 

 

Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog. Doug Larson

 

 

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater… suggest that he wear a tail.

Fran Lebowitz, Social Studies, “Pointers for Pets”

 

 

No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. Fran Lebowitz

 

 

The dog is dressed just like me at the climax of my act.

Gypsy Rose Lee, about her Chinese Crested, also known as the Chinese Naked Dog

 

 

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you. Jay Leno

 

 

According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog. Jay Leno

 

 

Clinton’s pet Labrador, Buddy, is getting neutered. The dog will never have sex again. Overnight, they’ve turned Buddy from a Democrat into a Republican. Jay Leno

 

 

If you don’t want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet. Jay Leno

 

 

Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window. David Letterman

 

 

They have dog food for constipated dogs. If your dog is constipated, why screw up a good thing? Stay indoors and let ’em bloat! David Letterman

 

 

I’ve been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog. Wendy Liebman

 

 

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father. Wendy Liebman

 

 

I was like, what the hell is my life coming to? I’m a trained actor! I’ve done Shakespeare and here I am having farting contests with an imaginary dog! Matthew Lillard

 

 

The only food he has ever stolen has been down on a coffee table. He claims that he genuinely believed it to be a table meant for dogs. Jean Little

 

 

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes. Jay London

 

 

Muzzle a dog and he will bark out of the other end. Malcolm Lowry

 

 

I’m a lean dog, a keen dog, a wild dog, and lone;

I’m a rough dog, a tough dog, hunting on my own;

I’m a bad dog, a mad dog, teasing silly sheep;

I love to sit and bay the moon to keep fat souls from sleep.

Irene MacLeod

 

 

Yes, he’s got all them different kinds of thoroughbred blood in him, and he’s got other kinds you ain’t mentioned and that you ain’t slick enough to see. Don Marquis

 

 

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun! Groucho Marx

 

 

Hardly any animal can look as deeply disappointed as a dog to whom one says “no.” Jeffrey Moussaieff Masson

 

 

Whenever I hear a dog continually barking, my reaction is one of relief that it’s not my dog making all that racket and inciting the neighbors to call the police. John McCarthy

 

 

I’m looking more like my dogs every day it must be the shaggy fringe and the ears. Christine McVie

 

 

“Say, what’s the matter with that dog of yours? Every time I come near the water cooler, he growls.”

“Oh, he won’t bother you.”

“Then what’s he growling about?”

“He’s probably a little sore because you’re drinking out of his cup.”

Mildred Meiers and Jack Knapp, 5600 Jokes for All Occasions

 

 

Dachshund: A half-a-dog high and a dog-and-a-half long. H.L. Mencken

 

 

Aristocrats have heirs, the poor have children, and the rest keep dogs. Spike Milligan

 

 

Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. Dave Millman

 

 

A pekingese is not a pet dog; he is an undersized lion. A.A. Milne

 

 

Is it me? Is it like I have a beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear? Monica, from Friends television show

 

 

Dogs never bite me. Just humans. Marilyn Monroe

 

 

Most owners are at length able to teach themselves to obey their dog. Robert Morley

 

 

When I started driving our old four-door green DeSoto, I always took Skip on my trips around town. I would get Skip to prop himself against the steering wheel, his black head peering out of the windshield, while I crouched out of sight under the dashboard. Slowing the car to ten or fifteen, I would guide the steering wheel with my right hand while Skip, with his paws, kept it steady. As we drove by the Blue Front Café, I could hear one of the men shout: “Look at that ol’ dog drivin’ a car!” Willie Morris, My Dog Skip

 

 

I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl. Penny Ward Moser

 

 

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives. Sue Murphy

 

 

I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have it put down. He asked if it was mad, to which I replied that it wasn’t exactly pleased about it. Chic Murray

 

 

Dogs display reluctance and wrath

If you try to give them a bath

They bury bones in hideaways

And half the time they trot sideaways.

Ogden Nash

 

 

To Tom Carlson or his dog depending on whose taste it best suits.

Ogden Nash, inscription he wrote on the second copy of his book for Carlson. Carlson’s dog chewed the first copy.

 

 

Love is the emotion that a woman feels always for a poodle dog and sometimes for a man. George Jean Nathan

 

 

Revenge is often like biting a dog because the dog bit you. Austin O’Malley

 

 

Dalmatians are not only superior to other dogs, they are like all dogs, infinitely less stupid than men. Eugene O’Neill

 

 

No dog is as well bred or as well mannered or as distinguished and handsome. Eugene O’Neill, writing about Blemie, his Dalmatian

 

 

Happiness to a dog is what lies on the other side of a door. Charleton Ogburn Jr.

 

 

Any member introducing a dog into the Society’s premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat. Oxford Union Society, London, Rule 46

 

 

Why, that dog is practically a Phi Beta Kappa. She can sit up and beg, and she can give her paw I don’t say she will, but she can. Dorothy Parker

 

 

If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them. Phil Pastoret

 

 

A dog is a dog, a bird is a bird, and a cat is a person. Mugsy Peabody

 

 

Never stand between a dog and the hydrant. John Peers

 

 

For the fifth year in succession I have pored over the catalogue of dogs in the show at Madison Square Garden without finding a dog named Rover, Bowser, Sport, Spot or Fido.

 

 

Who is the man who can call from the back door at night: “Here, Champion Alexander of Clane o’ Wind-Holme! Here, Champion Alexander of Clane o’ Wind-Holme!”? Westbrook Pegler

 

 

The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother and they’ll settle for a puppy every time. Winston Pendleton

 

 

The first year I was on the show, it took an interviewer about 45 minutes to get it out of me that I even had a dog, and even then I wouldn’t tell him the dog’s name. David Hyde Pierce, co-star of Frasier

 

 

I like driving around with my two dogs, especially on the freeways. I make them wear little hats so I can use the car-pool lanes. Monica Piper

 

 

When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.

Robert M. Pirsig, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance

 

 

Histories are more full of examples of the fidelity of dogs than of friends. Alexander Pope

 

 

Somewhere around the place I’ve got an unfinished short story about Schrodinger’s Dog; it was mostly moaning about all the attention the cat was getting. Terry Pratchett

 

 

Sooner or later we’re all someone’s dog. Terry Pratchett

 

 

A man bitten by a dog, whether the animal is mad or not, is apt to get mad himself. George D. Prentice

 

 

Golf seems to be an arduous way to go for a walk. I prefer to take the dogs out. Princess Anne

 

 

Keep running after a dog and he will never bite you. François Rabelais

 

 

They say the dog is man’s best friend. I don’t believe that. How many of your friends have you neutered? Larry Reeb

 

 

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash. Joan Rivers

 

 

It was so cold today that I saw a dog chasing a cat, and the dog was walking. Mickey Rivers

 

 

What was the name of that dog on “Rin Tin Tin”? Mickey Rivers

 

 

The word for female dog is not dogette. Mo Rocca

 

 

If you get to thinking you’re a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else’s dog around. Will Rogers

 

 

I know at last what distinguishes man from animals: financial worries. Romain Roland

 

 

Dogs are getting bigger, according to a leading dog manufacturer. Leo Rosten

 

 

My advice to any diplomat who wants to have good press is to have two or three kids and a dog. Carl Rowan

 

 

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. Rita Rudner

 

 

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives. Rita Rudner

 

 

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet so we bought a dog. Well, it’s cheaper, and you get more feet. Rita Rudner

 

 

I once decided not to date a guy because he wasn’t excited to meet my dog. I mean, this was like not wanting to meet my mother. Bonnie Schacter, Founder of the Single Pet Owner’s Society Singles Group

 

 

That’s the only dog I know who can smell someone just thinking about food. Charles M. Schulz

 

 

Don’t make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans, or they will treat you like dogs. Martha Scott

 

 

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge? Jerry Seinfeld

 

 

Let’s examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it’s amazing. He can’t believe that you’ve accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. “He’s back again! It’s that guy! It’s that guy!” Jerry Seinfeld

 

 

You know why dogs have no money? No pockets. ‘Cause they see change on the street all the time and it’s driving them crazy. When you’re walking them, he is always looking up at you. “There’s a quarter….” Jerry Seinfeld

 

 

Not Carnegie, Vanderbilt and Astor together could have raised money enough to buy a quarter share in my little dog. Ernest Thompson Seton

 

 

My dog watches me on TV. So, if I may take this opportunity, “No! No! No!” Gary Shandling

 

 

I like a bit of mongrel myself, whether it’s a man or a dog; they’re the best for everyday. George Bernard Shaw

 

 

If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog. George Bernard Shaw

 

 

Ladies and gentlemen are permitted to have friends in the kennel but not in the kitchen. George Bernard Shaw

 

 

Acquiring a dog may be the only opportunity a human ever has to choose a relative. Mordecai Siegal

 

 

As soon as I arrive at the house, Laurie starts running, hits my chest, knocks me down, and licks my face. It’s become a family ritual. Beverly Sills, about her Welsh Corgi’s greeting when she returns home

 

 

I will not “let the dogs out.”

I will not “let the dogs out.”

I will not “let the dogs out.”

I will not “let the dogs out.”

I will not “let the dogs out.”

(Written on the chalkboard by Bart, as part of his punishment.) Bart Simpson

 

 

What’s Santa’s Little Helper doing to that dog? Looks like he’s trying to jump over, but he can’t quite make it. Bart Simpson

 

 

Burns: I suggest you leave immediately.

Homer: Or what? You’ll release the dogs or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you? Homer Simpson

 

 

Homer: Well crying isn’t going to help. Now, you can sit there feeling sorry for yourself or you can eat can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food until your dog comes back, or you can go out there and find your dog. Bart: You’re right. [Gets up and leaves] Homer: Rats. I almost had him eating dog food Homer Simpson

 

 

Homer: You mean you gave away both your dogs? You know how I feel about giving. Homer Simpson

 

 

It was dog food. Beef livers with onions in a can. You open it up and it looks like vomit. Tom Sizemore

 

 

A dog is not intelligent. Never trust an animal that’s surprised by its own farts. Frank Skinner

 

 

Man is an animal that makes bargains; no other animal does this — no dog exchanges bones with another. Adam Smith

 

 

He had splendid conformation — broad shoulders, white hair and erect carriage — and was beautifully turned out in an ensemble of rich brown. One was inclined to hope he would, in the end, award first prize to himself. Red Smith, on a judge at a dog show

 

 

Yesterday I was a dog. Today I’m a dog. Tomorrow I’ll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There’s so little hope for advancement. Snoopy, in You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown

 

 

My dog can bark like a Congressman, fetch like an aide, beg like a press secretary, and play dead like a receptionist when the phone rings. Gerold Solomon, US Congressman

 

 

Parrots, tortoises and redwoods live a longer life than men do; Men a longer life than dogs do; Dogs a longer life than love does. Edna St. Vincent Millay

 

 

The other day I saw two dogs walk over to a parking meter. One of them says to the other, “How do you like that? Pay toilets!” Dave Starr

 

 

On the Internet, nobody knows you’re a dog. Peter Steiner

 

 

Had be been Shakespeare, he would then have written Troilus and Cressida to brand the offending sex; but being only a little dog, he began to bite them. Robert Louis Stevenson, explaining how his Skye terrier Woggs dealt with being refused by female dogs.

 

 

I had a linguistics professor who said that it’s man’s ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there’s another thing that separates us from animals. We aren’t afraid of vacuum cleaners. Jeff Stilson

 

 

Labradors [are] lousy watchdogs. They usually bark when there is a stranger about, but it is an expression of unmitigated joy at the chance to meet somebody new, not a warning. Norman Strung

 

 

Pray steal me not, I’m Mrs. Dingley’s,

Whose heart in this four-footed thing lies.

Jonathan Swift (a lapdog’s collar inscription)

 

 

Modern houses are so small we’ve had to train our dog to wag its tail up and down and not sideways. Tacitus

 

 

Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses. Elizabeth Taylor

 

 

When a puppy takes fifty catnaps in the course of the day, he cannot always be expected to sleep the night through. Albert Payson Terhune

 

 

One woman very courteously approached me in a grocery store, saying, “Excuse me, but I must ask why you’ve brought your dog into the store.” I told her that Grace is a service dog…. A few minutes later, she returned. “Excuse me, but you told me that your dog is allowed in the store because she’s a service dog. Is she Army or Navy?” Terry Thistlewaite

 

 

Dogs who chase cars evidently see them as large, unruly ungulates badly in need of discipline and shepherding. Elizabeth Marshall Thomas

 

 

A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it. Helen Thomson

 

 

When a dog runs at you, whistle for him. Henry David Thoreau

 

 

There are two things that won’t last long in this world, and that’s dogs chasing cars and pros putting for pars. Lee Trevino

 

 

Ever consider what pets must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul — chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth! Anne Tyler

 

 

“Lay down, pup; lay down,” ordered the man. “Good doggie — lay down, I say.”

“You’ll have to say, ‘Lie Down,’ mister,” declared a bystander. “That’s a Boston Terrier.”

 

 

A guy wanted the vet to cut his dog’s tail off. The vet asked why.

“Well, my mother-in-law is visiting next month and I want to eliminate any possible indication that she is welcome.”

 

 

A guy wanted to take his Chihuahua into a restaurant with him, so he put on dark glasses and “tapped” his way in the establishment.

The waiter said, “Hey! You can’t bring a dog in here.”

The man indignantly claimed, “I’m blind! This is my seeing eye dog!”

“You’re trying to tell me,” said the waiter, “that this Chihuahua is a seeing eye dog?”

“What???!” cried the man, “they gave me a Chihuahua?”

 

 

A piece of grass a day keeps the vet away.

 

 

All trees have bark.

All dogs bark.

Therefore, all dogs are trees.

The fallacy of barking up the wrong tree.

 

 

Cat’s motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

 

 

Customer: “Has this dog a good pedigree?”

Shop Owner: “Has he? Say, if that dog could talk, he wouldn’t speak to either of us.”

 

 

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?

 

 

Diplomacy is the art of saying “Nice doggie!”… till you can find a rock.

 

 

Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

 

 

Dogs are lousy poker players. When the get a good hand they wag their tails.

 

 

Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

 

 

Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.

 

 

Dumb dog. I bought a dog whistle. He won’t use it.

 

 

Every dog has his day but the nights are reserved for the cats.

 

 

For months he had been her devoted admirer. Now, at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions. “There are quite a lot of advantages in being a bachelor,” he began, “but there comes a time when we long for the companionship of another being-a being who will regard one as a perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one’s absolute property; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one’s joys and sorrows.”

To his delight he saw a sympathetic gleam in her eyes. Then she nodded in agreement.

“So you’re thinking of buying a dog?” she said. “I think it’s a fine idea. Do let me help you choose one!”

 

 

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

 

 

If you want the best seat in the house, move the dog.

 

 

If you owe a dog anything, call him “sir.”

 

 

If your dog doesn’t like someone, you probably shouldn’t either.

 

 

If your dog is fat, you aren’t getting enough exercise.

 

 

Never trust a dog to watch your food.

 

 

One fine autumn day, Jim was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about two hundred men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Jim went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.

“My wife,” the man replied.

“I’m sorry,” said Jim. “What happened to her?”

“My dog bit her and she died.”

Jim then asked the man who was in the second hearse.

The man replied, “My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well.”

Jim thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, “Can I borrow your dog?”

The man sighed, “Get in line.”

 

 

Puppy Love will lead you to a dog’s life.

 

 

Recipe; a series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don’t own, to make a dish the dog won’t eat.

 

 

Researchers have discovered that dogs can comprehend a vocabulary of 2,000 words, whereas cats can only comprehend 25 to 50. No one ever asks how many words the Researchers can comprehend.

 

 

Sign In Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea.”

 

 

Some days you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant.

 

 

The first rule in successful dog training is to be smarter than the dog. Which is why some breeds are easier to train than others.

 

 

The purpose of a liberal arts education is to learn that a person can like both cats and dogs!

 

 

The zoo is a place for animals to study the behaviour of human beings.

 

 

There is no snooze button on a dog who wants breakfast.

 

 

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger notice a sign saying “DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!” posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. He asked the store manager, “Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?” “Yep, that’s him,” he replied. The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?” “Because,” the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”

 

When a dog wags her tail and barks at the same time, how do you know which end to believe?

 

 

When it’s raining cats and dogs, be sure not to step in the poodles.

 

 

When you feel dog tired at night, it may be because you’ve growled all day long.

 

 

Whoever said “let sleeping dogs lie” didn’t sleep with dogs.

 

 

Why own a dog? There’s a danger you know,

You can’t own just one, for the craving will grow.

There’s no doubt they’re addictive, wherein lies the danger.

While living with lots, you’ll grow poorer and stranger.

 

 

You can’t expect to be a “lucky dog” if you spend all your time growling.

 

 

You can’t keep a good man down or an overly affectionate dog.

 

 

You never realize a dog is a man’s best friend until you start betting on horses.

 

 

A blind person walking down Yonge Street in Toronto commanded his dog to turn right to what he thought was the subway entrance. He had miscalculated and found himself completely disoriented in a dead-end alley. A passerby saw his dilemma and asked if he could help.

“Yes, thank you,” said the blind man, “I was trying to get to the subway.”

The man leaned over to the dog and said slowly and distinctly into the dog’s ear, “Take… him… to… the… subway.” (Unknown guide dog trainer, reporting the story as told to him)

 

 

I’ve been in the hotel business over thirty years. Never yet have I called the police to eject a disorderly dog during the small hours of the night. Never yet has a dog set the bedclothes afire from smoking a cigarette. I’ve never found a hotel towel or blanket in a dog’s suitcase, nor whiskey rings on the bureau top from a dog’s bottle. Sure the dog’s welcome.

 

 

P.S. If he’ll vouch for you, come along too. Unknown hotel manager’s reply to a vacationer writing to ask if dogs were permitted

 

 

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. Jeff Valdez

 

 

It was a small town: Ferguson, Ohio. When you entered there was a big sign and it said, “Welcome to Ferguson. Beware of the Dog.” The all-night drugstore closed at noon. Jackie Vernon

 

 

I would recommend to those persons who are inclined to stagnate, whose blood is beginning to thicken sluggishly in their veins, to try keeping four dogs, two of which are puppies. (Elizabeth von Arnum)

 

 

I have Social Disease. I have to go out every night. If I stay home one night I start spreading rumors to my dogs. (Andy Warhol)

 

 

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That’s almost $7.00 in dog money. (Joe Weinstein)

 

 

They say a reasonable amount o’ fleas is good fer a dog — keeps him from broodin’ over bein’ a dog, mebbe. (Edward Noyes Westcott)

 

 

My little old dog: a heart-beat at my feet. (Edith Wharton)

 

 

I have a spaniel that defrocked a nun last week. He took hold of the cord. I had hold of the leash. It was like elephants holding tails. Imagine me undressing a nun, even second hand. (E.B. White)

 

 

It sometimes takes days, even weeks, before a dog’s nerves tire. In the case of terriers it can run into months. (E.B. White)

 

 

If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer. (Alfred North Whitehead)

 

 

Our dogs, like our shoes, are comfortable. They might be a bit out of shape and a little worn around the edges, but they fit well. (Bonnie Wilcox, Old Dogs, Old Friends)

 

 

Bark: This is a sound made by dogs when excited. Dogs bark at milkmen, postmen, yourself, visitors to the house and other dogs; some of them bark at nothing. For some reason dogs tend not to bark at burglars, bailiffs and income tax collectors, at whom they wag their tails in the most friendly manner. (Geoffrey Williams)

 

 

This past Thanksgiving, my father was at the farm, and I had all 11 dogs in the house with a father who never allowed dogs in the house. And he got up to leave the table and came back and Solomon was in his chair. And he says, “This dog is in my chair.” And I said, “It’s the other way around, you’re sitting in his chair.” (Oprah Winfrey, on her American spaniel, who shares the house with ten other dogs, including six golden retrievers)

 

 

Both humans and dogs love to play well in adulthood, and individuals from both species occasionally display evidence of having a conscience. (Jon Winokur)

 

 

To a dog, motoring isn’t just a way of getting from here to there, it’s also a thrill and an adventure. The mere jingle of car keys is enough to send most any dog into a whimpering, tail-wagging frenzy. (Jon Winokur)

 

 

It is fatal to let any dog know that he is funny, for he immediately loses his head and starts hamming it up. (Sir Pelham Grenville Wodehouse)

 

 

The Heimlich maneuver works on house pets. My pit bull was choking on his dinner. I squeezed his stomach and the neighbor’s cat shot right out. (Scott Wood)

 

 

I’ve caught more ills from people sneezing over me and giving me virus infections than from kissing dogs. (Barbara Woodhouse)

 

 

The eyes of a dog, the expression of a dog, the warmly wagging tail of a dog and the gloriously cold damp nose of a dog were in my opinion all God-given for one purpose only to make complete fools of us human beings. (Barbara Woodhouse)

 

 

Was there ever a dog that praised its flea. (W.B. Yeats)

 

 

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One Response to “Dog Quotations”

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  1. Comfort Creatures Mugsy Bulldog Creatures Delight - October 14, 2011

    […] Dog Quotations « The Familiar Spirit! Bulldogs are adorable, with faces like toads that have been sat on. (Colette). The nose of the bulldog has been slanted backwards so that he can breathe without letting go. (Winston Churchill) Each day animals save lives in search and rescue, law enforcement and in the military, they comfort the sick and the elderly as service animals Many homeless have said that the unconditional love they received from their pets brought meaning back into their […]

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